HIS INTERNET PROFILE WAS A LIE!

Hey Rachel!
I finally tried internet dating. While searching, I ran across a handsome guy with a great profile. We talked on the phone for several weeks and after he rescheduled several times, we finally met at Starbucks. I was shocked. His profile said 5’11”, but he was only about 5’2.” I’m 5’10.” I cannot date anyone that short. To this day, he continues to call. How can I tell him I’m not interested without hurting his feelings?

Hey Uninterested,
As my momma used to say “He’s a liar and the truth ain’t in him!” Yeah, it’s possible to play with an inch or two, but nine inches? If he lied about his height, what else did he lie about? His plan was for you to fall in love with his personality prior to meeting him and overlook his need for a step ladder.

It’s quite easy to say that you’re being superficial by not wanting to date him because of his height, but that’s not true! You know what you like; therefore, you have every right to date who you like. Even though he lied, it’s best to let him down easy. Although it’s no excuse, just understand that he lied because he has a negative complex about his height. Can you imagine what it’s like to be an extremely short man?

Most women don’t return calls to men they’re not interested in, but be a bigger woman than he was a man (no pun intended). Simply tell him that you’re looking for a real and honest relationship and that because he lied about his height, you’re not interested in dealing with him … at all.

Chicka, you really need to update your profile and add those “deal breakers” (things that you won’t tolerate) including liars and men the same height as Kirk Franklin, Jermaine Dupree, etc.

Check out this Q&A and more in the latest edition of KRAZE magazine at a local newsstand near you!

SHE WANTS TO COME OUT OF THE DARK!

Hey Rachel!
I prefer to have sex in the dark! I’m in decent shape, so I don’t know exactly why, but I do. My boyfriend doesn’t care if we make love in full light or if it is pitch black. As a matter of fact, I think he prefers sex in full light. Rachel, why do you think most women are more comfortable with having sex in the dark and how can I come into the light?
DarkINDenver

Sista. Two words. BODY IMAGE. As women, whether fat or skinny, many of us have had issues with our bodies since we lost our virginity. Blame it on TV, magazines, and those raunchy porn videos. As we aged, we realized that good lighting, airbrushing, anorexia, drugs, etc. created most of those “fake” images we saw, but by then, it was too late to turn on the lights.

Really now, have you ever undressed in front of a man who decided not to have sex with you because you were out of shape? I’m sure that hasn’t happened. Why? Because most men, who are in the process of getting laid, won’t give a DANG about your ripples, dimples, and stretch marks. No way! Not in the heat of the moment!

When he first met you, he knew you didn’t have a body like Rihanna or Janet (the slimmer version), but he still chose to be with you. Some men may even comment on your weight gain, but still won’t turn down a sexual encounter.

Women, we need to "COME INTO THE LIGHT.” No matter what our body type, we must relish in the “realness” of our individual beauty.

So, the next time you undress, let him bask in your natural imperfections.
Roll up the shades.
Turn on the lights.
Heck, pull out the spotlight.
Once you stop focusing on your perceived problem areas, you’ll have more time to focus on why it is that you ain’t NEVA EVA had a REAL freakin’ orgasm anyway.

Check out this Q&A and more in the latest edition of KRAZE magazine Krazemag at a local newsstand near you!

SHE SAYS HE'S JUST TOOOO NASTY!

Hey Rachel!
I was dating my boyfriend for one year and the sex was great, but he was a little too kinky for me. He loved the smell of sex. After we made love, he’d leave the house without bathing and head straight to work or wherever he was going. He said he wanted my scent with him all day and into the next. But, last week, it wasn’t my scent he was wearing. He came over and when he kissed me, I noticed a strange and very bad odor. After investigating, I found that the smell was the result of him having oral sex with his ex. He made me unknowingly taste her juices. Now, I don’t ever want to kiss another man. How can I get over this and are all men nasty?
Disgusted in Florida

Hey Disgusted,
Please stop being dramatic! You actually dated a man who went to work or wherever after hot steamy sex without taking a shower for lawd knows how many days. Did he ever shower at all? … And yes, many men are nasty. Sex is an obsession for most men. The more times with you, the better. The more times with you and someone else, the better. The nastier, the sexier. You should be angry with yourself because you dated a nasty man. He was nasty from day one. So nasty, that he didn’t even brush his teeth after sex with his ex who could’ve had a nasty disease (RE: The bad odor). He had to know you’d smell sex on his breath 'cause her coochie was rank. In his perverted mind, he might have thought the smell would turn you on. Maybe not. Maybe he didn’t care. But really? Who in the hell has time to figure out his nastiness anyway? Men have been sleeping with women back to back since the beginning of time and even back then, the smart ones used fig leaves to clean up. Get over it! You’ve been getting a “taste” of his other women since the inception. In the future, kick the nasty sexual deviants to the curb quickly, including the next man you find wearing your panties, who asks can he bring in a midget for a ménage a trios ….

SHE'S A PLAYA ... DRIVIN' THE MEN WILD!

Hey Rachel,
I have 4 men in my life right now. They each fulfill a need. One gives me exquisite sex, luxury, and allows me to live in a fantasy world. The other gives me a little money and sweet gifts. Another provides good conversation and the other, well, he's just there (I haven't figured out my attraction to him yet). It only takes one day a month with each of these men for me to be satisfied. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a Hostess Ho Ho! I just don't want a man right now because I don't have time. However, I do need to be in the company of a male, afterall, I am a woman. My question to you is ”Why are they behaving like women?” I know that they each have a significant other, yet, they bitch about me not returning their calls. How can I get them to except the fact that they are just there for my pleasure without facing losing them? Yes, I am being selfish, but so are they. I don't want love right now. I have other priorities.
Playing-the-field

PlayaPLAYA,
R U for real? R U serious? R U living in reality? Why am I not buying this whole scenereo? There has to be waaayy more to this story than meets the eye. There are definitely deeper issues here, but it would take too long to discuss all of them, i.e you may be fantasizing a little here ... most women can't handle all this drama, don't have time for it and are not this hardcore. You may not be committing because your heart has been broken too many times in the past, you've not dealt with mental/emotional issues, etc..... But what da hell? Just in case you're being honest, I will play along with this probable bullshiznit. First of all, the men are all in other relationships, so why do you need to convince them of anything for fear of losing them? Besides, what man would run from free "patookie" without anything attached to it? Do you really need to answer to them about anything at all? ... And by the way, YES, you are a Hostess Ho Ho.

But, not to fear Playa, despite the over the top situation, the good part is that you've stumbled upon the true SECRET to driving men wild. These men are not going anywhere until you kick them to the curb. The SECRET? U DO U! What does this mean? It means that when you met these men, U kept DOING U. You put yourself first and they came second, third or fourth. We all have to admit, that many men have been doing what you are doing since day one.

Ladies, when you meet men, do they alter their plans to be with you? Do they dump their friends to hang out with you? Do they run to the store and spend their bill money on new underwear? Do they stay on the phone all night talking with their friends about how wonderful you are? Hell no! Yeah, women are emotional creatures, easily excited about anything man, but we have to start thinking more with our heads rather than our hearts. WOMEN, U MUST COME FIRST! U DO U and I guarantee U that the men will break their necks to DO U. No pun intended.

SHE CAN'T TELL HER FAMILY THAT SHE'S DATIN' A BROTHA

Hey Rachel,
I am a white girl who has fallen in love with a black guy. I know that race relations have changed somewhat, just look at the election of Obama. As a matter of fact, my entire family voted for him. Despite that, I don’t know how to tell my parents about my relationship. Even though they have several black friends and have never really appeared to be very prejudice, I know that they will never approve of him. I’ve seen how they smirk at the interracial couple in our neighborhood. My boyfriend is very handsome, sweet and smart. He also has a very promising future. We are both in our senior year in college and it is likely that he will be a first-round draft pick. We have been dating for a year and a half now and I've never introduced him to my parents or informed them of the relationship. But, I have been to his parent’s house several times for dinner and he says that they like me. Rachel, he says that if he can’t be introduced to my family soon, that we can’t be in a long-term relationship. I just know my parents will not accept him, so what do you think I should do? S. S.

S. S.,
Yes, you are right. A black man is the President of the United States, but there are still folks who would be scared to take HIM home to meet their parents. S.S. … or “Scary Spice,” I should say ….. don’t be scaaarrrred. U have nothing to fear. As soon as I read the following, I just knew that you would be alllllllright …

“He is in his senior year and it is likely that he will be a first-round draft pick.”

Sweetheart, when it comes to money and fame, many folks are color blind (just check out the Kardashian parents). Yeah, they see color and hate quietly, but money and fame usually supersedes bitchin’ out loud about it. Now, I must admit, parents of any color tend to cringe when their child brings home a mate of a different race. They know often times that the couple will have to deal with a lot of grief from the outside world, especially family and friends, who will shoot evil glances and be just darn nasty about it. They also fear the trauma that the bi-racial baby may encounter throughout his/her life.

S.S, it appears as if you are a grown azz child and are capable of making your own decisions. If this brotha means that much to you, present him to your parents. Folks usually stand up for that which is important. But, I am asking you to think long and hard about your decision. By introducing him to your family, you could risk alienating them. Also, as an interracial couple, the two of you will have to endure all the other “BS” that rears it's ugly head from the old school folks and the pissed off sistas, especially, if he doesn't turn pro and you guys are just another ordinary broke azz black/white couple.

Love should be colorblind, but it is not.

Chick, your man is probably feelin' as though you are not that into him if he has to be hidden from your family. The fact that he has introduced you to his family makes the situation even more difficult ... I must say that for some reason, black folks tend to readily accept other races into their family .. you would think that after 250 years of slavery, etc. that we would be more hateful ... Anyway, sooner or later, my little pale compadre, you're going to have to make a decision.

. ….. But, 4real girlfriend…. POSSIBLE FIRST ROUND DRAFT PICK? I ain’t one to be materialistic, but you would have to be damned crazy to let this one slip by. The brotha is sweet, good-looking, smart and on his way to untold wealth? Hell, I would introduce him to my father, The Grand Wizard, if he was tryin’ to get at me. I'm just gonna be straight with it …. Girlfriend, DON’T BE NO FOOL! This .... coming from a black broke azz relationship advice columnist, who b/c of her skin tone (bright, but not bright enough), would probably never have interested a black good looking athlete soon to make millions and millions of dollas, unless I wuz his high school sweetheart and he was the baby daddy to three of my rugrats :)... Heck, this is my column and I can say whatever the hell I want to!

THE POWER OF "NO!"

Hi Rachel,
First of all, I love reading your columns because you really do keep it 100, so, much love for that.
Thanks girlfriend! I hope you feel the same way after you read this response.

My situation is so chucked full of issues that I don't know where to begin.
The beginning is always fine.

So, I'll begin where I am.
Cool.

My boyfriend and I have been living together for the past 3 years. Though we love one another very much and we appear (for all intents and purposes) to be the perfect couple, we are still no closer to being married than we were when I met him 5 years ago.
Rule #1: The longest period of time that any woman (who wants to be married) should date any man is 2 years. This is a rule that should never ever be broken. After the first date, a man immediately categorizes you:
1. Potential serious relationship
2. Someone he keeps in touch with in case he decides he wants a serious relationship
3. Just a friend; potential bootycall
4. A "4 real" booty call
5. A potential bank account, housekeeper and/or chef
6. Someone to tell his problems to ... without reciprocity … he DOES NOT want to hear about your shiznit!
7. Someone he calls whenever he's bored. When he's bored, he simply scrolls through his phone and calls chicks until someone answers. He knows that at least one or two desperate chicks that he hasn't spoken to in months will fall for the “Hey, what’s up? Just thinking about you" line and the rest... as they say ... is history; easy bootycall
8. Someone he calls when he is angry with his wife/girlfriend … once again, he just wants someone to tell HIS problems to
9. Someone he calls when he "breaks" up with his wife/girlfriend; bootycall by default
10. Someone to keep him company, fulfill his sexual needs and cater to him until the RIGHT woman comes along
Your intuition tells you where you stand immediately after the two of you start hangin' out/sleepin' together … at least within a month. He's probably even said that he does not want to get married and/or have kids ... DON’T FIGHT THAT GOD GIVEN INTUITION that tells you where you stand and for goodness sake, please don't think that you're so special that you can change his mind!!

Don't get me wrong, this man is THE MAN. He does everything for me. He drives me around; cleans the house; cooks; fixes my 10 year old car so well it almost seems brand new; he loves my son and teaches him how to be a man and essentially he is my best friend.
Hmmmm … well he certainly sounds like “THE MAN.”

If you saw us together you'd swear we were meant to be. I say all of that to say that I love him with everything I've got, but, I am tired of "playing" house.
OOOOOH NO! Here it comes … the great set up. Tell me all the good things first and then drop the bomb, “He is great, except for ..."

I wear diamonds on my wedding finger, lying to myself so that people can assume that I am married.
This is an eye opening statement. Step outside of yourself for a moment. If another woman said this to you, how would you view her? Would she seem desperate? Would she sound like she was lacking self worth?

I call him my fiancée instead of my boyfriend, because at 38 years old, I feel like those boyfriend days are over and, whenever we get into heated debates (some might call them arguments) the first thing that pops into my mind is "okay, he's going to leave so I've got to figure out how I can pick up the pieces and make this work solo.”
Sweetie, in your own words, your “fiancé” is imaginary, so, if the imaginary man leaves, then that is quite ok. You can’t stop him from leaving. The fantasy that you've built … the progression of a relationship of one …. your Cinderella story … is non-existent … this time. This fantasy relationship where the two of you are going to get married and live happily ever after … non-existent. If you are creating fantasies and serious problems exist now in the relationship, the problems will quadruple if the two of you are ever married.

And Rachel, this happens every time we get in an argument, including the one we're having now about money. Oh, I forgot to mention that I'm not so good with money, but I work hard and I refuse to spend my life indebted to the system and not be happy.
You refuse to spend your life indebted to the system and not be happy, but you are ok with being indebted to an unhappy relationship where you have to wear a ring and pretend to your friends that he is your fiancé?

So, I take care of me and mine, and I take care of him.
Huh???????? You take care of your pretend fiancé?

Everything he owns right now, I purchased.
R U 4 real?

He's the type that would rather suffer in silence just to pay a bill.
But he will allow a woman to pay for everything he owns?

At times I envision him to be my opposite equal, but today is not one of those times. He, on the other hand, does not work. He goes to school and I take care of the rest.
Damn, he is lucky! Let’s hope that when he gets that degree, that another woman will not benefit. Rule #2: This type of agreement can ONLY be made while in a respectful marriage.

He definitely plays his position. I work, he takes care of everything else. But like I said Rachel, I'm tired of playing house. When I spend money I do it under the pretense that he is not my husband and I do not have to answer to him and I can't fathom building a future (financially) with a man that says he wants to get married and his actions don't show it.
Ok …. U want to marry him …. U R pretending as if he is your fiancé …. U R living as if he is not your husband but you've paid for everything he owns …. He says he wants to get married, but does not show it … You makin' my head hurt sista girl!

I am honest with myself, if I am nothing else.
Honest? You wear a diamond and pretend to be engaged. U R not honest with yourself!

And the truth is, I would be devastated if we split.
Now that is the most truthful thing you have said thus far.

But I know I'm strong and I was making it before him and I'll certainly be making it once he's gone, if that's the route we take.
Go ‘head, give yourself a pep talk. I ain’t mad.

The thing is, I'm afraid of being single Rachel. Of this I am not afraid to admit. I do not like being single nor do I want to grow old alone. The women in my family are going through that now and looking at them struggle 'alone' is one of the reasons I put up with so much.
"Torn," you’re afraid of being single, because you've probably never REALLY been single. Being single means getting to know and love oneself. It means being comfortable with being alone and relishing in that time. It is a time to be able to self-reflect and to understand why it is that you continue to pick “bad” men. Being single is not the time to pout because you aren’t in a relationship. It is not while you're chasing after someone who does not want you or vice versa. It is not while you're ending a bad relationship or when you’re dating just for the heck of dating because you’re scared to be alone. Being truly single is to be free of all the entanglements and emotions related to caring and catering to another person. Have you ever truly been single? If so, you would know what it was like to experience such glorious peace and would surely be reluctant to let it go. After experiencing such calm in your life and learning to love yourself and accept the space you are in, you WILL be very selective when it comes to the next man you choose to spend quality time with.

When we go out together, and we always go out together, the places we go are top to bottom single females, eyeing him like he was the three course meal after dehydrating in the desert of singleness. Don't take that the wrong way, I am not a jealous woman. I actually talk with him about it. We look at booties together (he's a butt man) and critique them. I do not inhibit him in any way because I am comfortable with myself and I know who he's coming home to.
I hate to burst your bubble, but would they be eyeing him if they new that they would have to work to support him while he goes to school and deal with all the "otha" shiznit that comes with being with him? I doubt it! Hell, they are fantasizing too! Oh, and you didn't tell me that he was disrespectful as well. No woman can truly be comfortable with a man who does not give her his undivided attention while in public. Come on now ... do you really like to look at booties or are you just trying to save face?

Though he's a good man he certainly has his faults. He has lied to me several times and I've forgiven him each time. He's never cheated; my heart tells me that much. He has financial issues of his own that he doesn't even think about rectifying.
Hmmm … lying, but in no way cheating? ...financial problems? You should know by now what you can deal with and what you can't. Better fix these issues before marriage.

I'm not sure what I'm asking but I need someone else to look at this from the outside. At the end of the day all of my actions, especially the not so positive ones, point to the fact that I'm sick of being his girlfriend; sick of playing Ken & Barbie; and even more sick of the fact that maybe the only reason he's hanging on is because he's waiting until he gets on his feet. I don't know. Too many questions and I've probably already answered them all, but I just don't want to see it.

This my dear, leads me to my heading … THE POWER OF “NO!” Check out these affirmations:
No … I will never doubt my GOD given intuition
No … I will not love someone more than I love myself
No … I will not sacrifice my happiness because I am afraid of being alone
No … I will not give a man the benefits of being my husband, if he is not
No … I will not continue a relationship if the bad outweighs the good
No … I will not live this “one and only” life unhappy
No … I will not wait to make decisions. I will do it now, b/c the sooner a decision is made, the sooner the healing process begins.
As sistas, we all need to start saying NO! If we say no to disrespect, married men, abusive men, etc., then "men" will have to behave like "real" men and treat women with the respect and dignity they deserve!

I'm an educated woman; three degrees; I teach at the college level and I have a career as a manager with a global company; I mentor business women from around the world; I write; I sing; I build websites; I learn for the sake of learning, so why can't I help myself in this situation? It seems to me that none of my professional or academic successes has equipped me with wrestling with these mountainous problems.
You are dynamic my sista! Understand that the heart and the brain are separate entities. As you know, since the beginning of time, the great and powerful have been taken down by the opposite sex. You can help yourself by JUST SAYING "NO!" That word carries power. That is how we teach our children the difference between right and wrong. If we say “NO … NO MORE TO THAT WHICH IS NOT JUST!” and really mean it, either the GROWN AZZ brothas will straighten up their act (for at least two weeks) or will go away and never return. If they go away and never return, then you'll have saved yourself even more wasted time.

As strong as I know I am, is as weak as I know I am. I just don't want to be alone and I don't want to lose someone that can potentially be my life partner just because I want something now that he is not willing to give me.
Torn.
Believe it or not, being in a stressful relationship is much worse than being alone. Every relationship has potential, but, how long does one hold on and wait? There must be a limit to how long stress is endured. After two years, I am all for ultimatums. At this point, what do you really have to lose anyway? What are you scared of? Spending time with U? Happiness, peace, and contentment only occurs when we recognize an injustice, say "NO!" to that injustice, work to correct the problem and if the problem continues, walk away. After walking away, we can then fight through the pain and lastly take the time to fully heal before we jump back into the grind. We must put God and then ourselves first, which means that if a relationship is not "ADDING THE VALUE" we need, then we need to ask ourselves why we are prolonging the inevitable. U R strong my sista. Black women are the strongest creatures on earth. Despite the chaos we witnessed while growing up, we must scrap those images and understand that ..
Love does not hurt.
Love is not chaotic.
Love is hard at times, but always respectful.
And despite the ups and downs, love is always certain.
Peace be unto you my sista!

SHOULD HE TELL HIS FRIEND THAT HER "MAN" IS ON THE "DOWN LOW?"

Hey Rachel,
I am a gay male living in an apartment complex in midtown Atlanta where many of the other males in the complex are living “in the closet.” I do not believe in living a secret life. My family has been aware of my preference since Jr. High school. Recently, I encountered a real “in the closet” moment. My best friend, who happens to be a female, had been sleeping with someone that she has never introduced me to. Finally, she decided to take me with her to the club in order for us to meet. The club was packed and we immediately got separated. After a few hours, I noticed one of the boys that I had been intimate with, who also lives in my complex, and proceeded to go and speak to him … undercover, of course… b/c he does not want anyone to know about us. As I walked over to him, I noticed that my sisterfriend was having a heated conversation with him. I walked up and they stopped bickering and she quickly introduced me to her “sleepmate” … as she calls him. She says that she calls him that b/c he won’t commit. I was dumbfounded. I knew that we had a hidden relationship, but I didn’t know that she was the one that we were hiding it from. I could go deeper into the story, but I won’t. The boy and I met later and he swore me to secrecy. Rachel, should I tell my friend about our relationship or continue to let her think that she is dealing with a straight boy?
WayOut

Hey U,
I’m so glad that you even give a damn! We have all read about and some of us have even been touched by the “down low” escapades of many of the males, especially the brothas, in the gay community. I applaud you for having the strength to live your life out in the open, despite all that you have to endure. I also understand how hard it is for others to make and live by such a decision and for that reason, I will not pass judgement.

WayOut, you have three choices, either you can inform your sisterfriend about her “down low” boyfriend, you can stop seeing him and keep quiet, or continue to see him and keep quiet. Hmmm…. Let’s take a look at all three scenarios …

Informing her …. By telling her, you might just be saving her life. You and the “closet” dude may be careful, but, is the “closet” dude careful with the other guys or girls he may be sleeping with?

Stop seeing him and keep quiet … Well, why should you tell? Why cause a whole bunch of shiznit? Your sisterfriend and the “closet” guy are not in a committed relationship and neither are the two of you …Go ahead, stop seeing him and keep quiet. Let her continue to be hoodwinked and bamboozled and catch something that she can’t get rid of… I mean, what are friends for?

Continue to see him and keep quiet…. Well, why should you stop seeing him? Your sisterfriend and the “closet” guy are not in a committed relationship and neither are the two of you …Go ahead, continue to see him and don’t tell your sisterfriend. Let her continue to be hoodwinked and bamboozled and let the both of you catch something that neither of you can get rid of…

Let’s see, from the likes of things, both of your azzes had better stop seeing this guy in order to save both of your lives. If he is lying about his lifestyle, then what else is he lying about? As we all know, let’s be honest, many folks are crazzzyyy and do not use protection, especially after dating a person for a long while. One will look at another’s physical appearance and determine their medical condition. Hell, Magic Johnson is the healthiest lookin’ person that I know. The truth of the matter is that your sisterfriend and the “closet” guy were probably arguing b/c your sisterfriend is becoming emotionally attached to this guy, despite what she says.

WayOut, if you allow this secret to continue, you are only adding fuel to the fire. I can’t tell you what to do, as I know you have a vested interest in both parties ….but, what I can do is give you one to grow on …. If you answer NO to this question, then you know what you must do ….Opening your mouth will definitely cause a whole lot of grief, but, R U ready to deal with the consequences of "NO ACTION?"

You decide.