WHEN IS ENOUGH ... ENOUGH?

Hey Rachel, I am married to a man who is constantly unemployed. He has been unemployed for more than a year, this time. According to him, his prospects aren’t looking good. Lately, he has been gone all day looking for work and staying out all night. We don’t have sex anymore, our savings is depleted and the mortgage is one month behind. Recently, he has talked about foregoing a job and opening up a business. I encouraged him to put the business idea on hold and at least take a part-time job, but, he states, as usual, that he is over-qualified for the available menial jobs. I’ve always been the one who works consistently and takes care of all the family business, but now, I am tired and I am always depressed. At this point, I think that I am ready to end the relationship. What do you think?
Stuck in Scranton

Hey Stuck,
Me? Tell a woman to leave her “man?” Never! But, in this case, since we are not talking about a “real” man, "RUN FOR THE HILLS AND NEVER LOOK BACK!" This relationship is toxic. He says that he is out all day looking for work and into the night? HA! He is doing everything except looking for a job, i.e. layin’ up with Suzy, shooting pool with Johnannem, gambling and Lord knows what else. He has no intention of getting or keeping a job. Your husband is fine being unemployed and is not putting the relationship first. How can anyone think about starting a “binness” while the mortgage is behind and the savings is depleted? Over-qualified for a part-time job? HA! No one asks your credentials when you cut grass or wash cars. Hell, McDonalds ain’t checkin’ no references. Soon, your mortgage will be four months behind and you will be frantic, while he continues to be missin’ in action. As a matter of fact, he might even request that YOU get a second job. Move on if and when you are ready, my sista. He moved on … A LONG TIME AGO!

Now, don't I sound like all of your girlfriends that either don't have a man, hate the men that they are with or are looking for a man and can't even find one under a rock? The first inclination is always to say "LEAVE! LEAVE! LEAVE!" when things appear this lop-sided. If you have endured this much for this long and you're still with this man and are writing to tell me this BS ... saying that you are thinkin 'bout leavin' ... then we should be discussing how you can remain in the relationship while still keeping some semblance of your pride intact. Yep boo, my only inclination is to tell you how to endure ... soooooo ...

Keep payin' all the bills ... but, smile while you write the checks.
Continue to stay up late waiting for him to come home... keep yourself busy by knitting a couple of booties for his otha babies.
Constantly call his cell phone and continue to get the voice mail ..... but now, for a just a little relief, spend some time calling the hospitals to see if maybe, just maybe, he is not answering b/c he got into an accident.
Watch him attempt to develop a "binness" ... and go ahead ... take a loan out on your 401K to give to him so that he will have enough funds to endure.

Stuck, UNTIL and I say UNTIL you get to the point where you realize that you deserve better and that you can get better and that better can't be any worse than what you have, you will probably remain with this brother.
Maybe it will take you losing your home before you wake up...
Maybe it will be that diagnosis of some kind of venereal disease that you can't eva eva get rid of ...
Maybe it just might be finding out that he has been sleeping with your good friend, male or female ...hell, at this point, I wouldn't put nothin' past him.
Sistafriend, in actually, HE is doing fine. HE is living life exacty how HE wants too. The only problem is that he is enabling you. He is allowing you to remain in a state of total chaos and depression. Just where U want to be ... where you are used to being. As we all know, it is much easier to be depressed, then to be happy, much easier to sit still, then to make a move. Life has been shit for so long, that you don't know or can't conceive of any other way of living.
Boo, I can't help U.
U gotta help yourself.
Some of us have got to lose it all in order to eventually win and you my dear are a prime candidate for this unnecessary torture.
When is enough ... enough?
I already know.
That's for you to figure out ... hopefully, before it's too damn late!
Sistagirl, you need to have a private word or two with the Creator.

THERE ARE CERTAIN THINGS THAT SHE WOULD NEVER DO IN FRONT OF HER MAN .....

Hey Rachel,
I was with my girlfriend one day and she just let “one” rip. I informed her that she was being innapropriate and I then asked her why she didn’t excuse herself. She stated that letting one rip is only natural. I asked her if she did such things in front of her boyfriend and she replied, “Of course, I do.” How disgusting is that? There are certain things that I will never do around my husband, including passing gas, burping, #2 anywhere in the house where he will be susceptible to the aroma, etc. I was taught that a lady should act like a lady. What do you think?
Prim & Proper

Hey Prim,
ROFL! For those of you who don’t understand the lingo, that stands for “rollin’ on da floor laughin.” Prim, I have answered many questions over the years, but none such as this. As far as I am concerned, as long as you and your spouse mutually agree to be “nasty” in front of one another, then what you do behind closed doors is your business. If a woman is just plain nasty, she must make sure that she finds a nasty mate; someone who will appreciate her nastiness. For those of you who have been holding in the nasty and are tired of running outside to let one rip, excusing yourself from the dinner table to burp and running to a different part of the house when you have the runs, there is a way to make your spouse accept your nastiness, but, you are going to have to break him in slowly. First, start out with a soft “poot” and see how he responds. If he laughs and shrugs it off, then let a louder “poot” rip later. If he is cool with that, then try using the bathroom in the master bedroom to take care of your business. If he doesn’t notice the smell, then you are in like Flynn. Loud burping should be reserved for the car and at home.

Prim, do me a favor. Don’t ever write me again. This is a serious relationship site! :)

SHE IS TIRED OF MAKING SACRIFICES!

Hey Rachel!
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over 3 years. We are both young and successful and do not have any children. He is planning to go back to his hometown to school in order to further his career. However, it would mean that I would have to leave the comforts of my hometown and job to be with him or suffer a long distance relationship. I know it sounds crazy because I am apprehensive about starting a new life with this ambitious man. However, we will not be able to live together in this new city because he has told me that he does not want to work while he is in school. Since we are not married, I don’t want to support him and it does not seem as if he wants to get married any time soon. I don’t want to go to a new city and live on my own, especially since we have been living together while in my home town. It is like we are going backwards in our relationship. I have made so many sacrifices to be with him already. What ever happened to compromise? What do you think I should do?
Confused

My dearest Confused …
Why are U confused? He ain’t confused. He knows exactly what he wants to do. His plans are intact. Now, I don’t have anything against this ambitious young brother, hell, I wish more young men were as ambitious and sure of themselves. But, here are the scenarios that you will have to choose from …

• You leave your job and your hometown to be with him (You really aren’t going to be with him because you two will be living in separate households). You guys get settled into your prospective places and BAM! Cindy moves next door to him. Well, Cindy likes him too and she does everything that she can to break up your relationship. He ends up fallin’ for Cindy or sexin’ up Cindy....and as the story goes, you get tired of sitting at home waiting for him to take you out and decide to take your lonely azz to the skating rink (Hell, yall seem real young) and I’ll be dang! There goes the two of them kissin’ it up at the shoe counter and there you go ... left all alone in the big city.

• You stay in your hometown, in familiar surroundings, with the same job and all your family and friends and he moves to another city. He gets all settled in with Cindy. Yes, Cindy! Hey, he grew up with her. She was his first love. She said he could come stay with her until he gets himself together and there you go … wondering why he keeps tellin’ you this ain’t a good week to visit and why he keeps saying that he is gonna call you back, but never does.

• You leave your job and all that you know to chase after him. You find a cool place to live. You say that he can’t live with you 'cause you don’t want to support him 'cause yall ain’t married, yet, he is at your house so much that he ends up living with you anyway (just not on paper) and you end up paying all the damn bills 'cause his name is not on the paper. In the end, you get mad ‘cause you're footin' all the bills and kick him out. He takes his lonely azz to the skating rink one night and BAM! Meets Cindy.

For real though Confused, in a situation such as this, a woman can’t win for losing because she is the one who is making the sacrifice. Sacrifices such as this only occur when the love in a relationship is unbalanced. If his love was stronger for you, he would be going to school in your hometown or making sacrifices to work at least a part-time job so that he could live with you and help pay the bills. As we all know, women mature quicker then men and once we have our minds made up, we want what we want. Confused, this young man ain’t ready for what you ready for. If you are going to move anywhere, make sure you move to a place where you can still be happy without the man. You better believe that if he is moving back to his hometown, he will be getting re-acquainted with old friends and maybe old lovers.

Confused, whether you are moving as a married couple or not, the relationship only has a 30% chance of survival. But, on a positive note, you guys just might be one of the thirty percent that actually make it. You move to his hometown, the relationship continues to grow and wedded bliss occurs after he has graduated and found a career. But, this will only happen if …
• U accept him for who is
• Respect his wishes
• Don’t pressure him to do something that he is not ready to do, ‘cause pressuring him will push him away
• Let him stay at your house without making him feel guilty because he is not contributing ….. etc., etc.
….. And even if you do all of this, he will still probably dump you anyway because you are not challenging enough for him and go straight to Cindy. Remember, most men luv Bzitches.

Basically Confused, you are gonna have to cater to him.
Now, ain’t that a damn shame?
U are gonna to have to cater to his needs in order to keep him.
Well, you are the one making the sacrifice.
You are the one whose love is stronger.
You are the one who took the time to write this note.

Old African Proverb …. Never sacrifice anything for someone who is not willing to sacrifice for you unless the sacrifice will benefit you in the long run.

Good luck my friend!

SHE WANTS TO KNOW IF SHE SHOULD APPROACH HER CHEATIN' MAN

Hi Rachel,
Just a quick question and in need of your "keep it real, tell it like it is advice." Can you explain to me why it is that some men think that they can get away with talking to another woman on the side, but continue telling you how much they love you, how they want to spend the rest of their life with you, introduce you to their parents, blah, blah … How do they think they can get away with it? I look on the phone bill, which he knows I have access to and all I see are calls to another woman … calls that are made when I am upstairs in another room. So, my question is: Do I bother confronting him about it and ask him why he says such wonderful things to me, while constantly calling another woman or do I just stay silent and tell him that I no longer want the relationship and pretty much drop him w/out reason? If I confront him, he may deny it or come up with some lie and he would also know that I was "snooping.” Rachel, one more thing, I don't know why I am asking all of these questions, when I for one am not even married to him. Is there something wrong with me or what? Not sure why I am wasting my time. Perhaps, I just need to drop him ... ugggh!

Why Bother

Why Bother,
You’ve got so much going on, that we are going to have to dissect your question and provide you with all the answers that you need to rectify this problematic situation immediately ...

Your statement: Rachel, can you explain to me why is it that some men think that they can get away with talking to another woman on the side, but continue telling you how much they love you, how they want to spend the rest of their life with you, introduce you to their parents, blah, blah … How do they think they can get away with it?

Uh ... well ... U are allowing your man to get away with it and so has every other woman who has asked her girlfriend that same question after knowing that her man has been calling another woman for a while .... which means that, because of women, a hell of a lot of men are getting away with havin’ “bootay” on the side.


Your statement: I look on the phone bill, which he knows I have access to, and all I see are calls to another woman; calls that are made when I am upstairs in another room.

Uh ... ok ... so you do know that he has been calling “bootay” for a while, 'cause it appears as if you’ve been looking at the phone bills for quite some time. He is a sneaky one girlfriend, makin’ those calls while you’re in another room. It appears to me that he is just too bold and doesn’t give a damn. Sistagirl, love "talk" is cheap. Actions are the only love words you need to hear.


Your statement: So, my question is: Do I bother confronting him about it and ask him why he says such wonderful things to me, while constantly calling another woman or do I just stay silent and tell him that I no longer want the relationship and pretty much drop him w/out reason?

Well, being that you have not confronted him by now and cussed him to no end when you saw the first phone bill, we know that you can’t be a “real” sista and we also know that you can’t be down with "da girlz in da hood" if you even thinkin’ about ending the relationship without cussin’ his azz out.


Your statement: If I confront him he may (1) deny it or (2) come up with some lie and (3) he would also know that I was "snooping.”

Yes, Yes and Yes … all three are true, but, who cares? He surely doesn’t. His azz talkin’ on the phone to the “bootay” while you're in the other room changin’ Jr’s diaper.


Your statement: Rachel, one more thing, I don't know why I am asking all of these questions, when I for one am not married to him.

And sorry to say chick … neither myself or my friends at the psychic network foresee this relationship headin’ to the alter. I wasn’t so sure about the “alter” thang, so I called Dionne Warwick’s “new” psychic hotline to assist me with this particular matter.


Your statement: Is there something wrong with me or what?
Yes there is.


Your statement: Not sure why I am wasting my time.
Me either.


Your statement: Perhaps, I just need to drop him...ugggh!

Well, I guess you really didn’t need my “keep it real, tell it like it is advice" after all. I am a little pissed that you made me waste my money calling the psychic network, but, all is well, because you, my friend, managed to solve your own dang problem.
Kudos to you!

Old African proverb: She who knows that her man ain’t worth shiznit knows that her man ain’t worth shiznit.

HE WANTS TO KNOW HOW TO APPROACH HIS CHEATIN' WIFE .....

Hey Rachel,
My wife has accused me of cheating. What man's wife hasn't, right? But, I haven't cheated and I have gone out of my way to prove it. I have suspected my wife of cheating for at least a year now and she has a cell phone that has a lock code on it. Now, I am not an insecure man. I put trust in her, but again, I have suspicions. I don't want to accuse her like she accused me, so, what steps do you think I should take?
Suspicious

Suspicious, most women cheat when the relationship is just about over. There are some “hoes” out there that just cheat for the heck of it, but for the most part, women cheat when they are tired of a relationship. When they feel that the man is not providing them with the 4 “Ss” …SECURITY, STRENGTH, STABILITY AND SEX. In a nutshell, they are just damn TIRED of not feeling special!

Well, before we move on, let’s discuss the main ways that you can tell when your woman is cheating:
1. Check the panty drawer. Check under the bed or in a box in the closet. When a woman cheats, she always buys new sexy undies. There will be shit tucked away that you’ve never seen before. Look for new perfumes and lotions as well. C’mon, you know what’s new. You haven’t seen her in anything but sweats in a while and she’s been wearing that same Ivory soap scent for years now.
2. Ask to give her a foot rub. She will probably be surprised, but nevertheless, what used to scratch you in bed will no longer scratch you anymore. Those feet will be smooth as a baby’s bottom. The red polish will no longer be chipped on her feet or fingernails.
3. She doesn’t give a damn about what you do anymore. The things she used to argue about just don’t matter anymore. As a matter of fact, she walks around the house in her sweats, whistling old Luther songs, while she’s cooking your favorite meal.
4. You don’t get as many phone calls as you used to during business hours. She has to get in the sexy calls with the otha brotha, hell, she can’t talk to him at night.
5. If the phone is not locked, ‘cause, if it is, as in your case, she is definitely hiding something, check for names you’ve never heard of, whether male or female. Women NEVER put the otha brotha’s name in her phone. Be weary of names such as “Bertha2,” if you know her grandmother only has a home phone.
6. If she doesn’t fuss about giving you sex anymore, begin to wonder. A woman will give you “pity” sex when you ask for it just to try to throw you off. If she brings new moves into the picture, she’s been watching porn with the otha brotha.

Suspicious, when it comes to cheating, women are smarter and more patient than men. Women can flirt with a man for months before they actually do the “nasty.” They know how to plan the whole thing out, but, U men, U think with your little part. When sex is on the brain, all logic disappears! Women know not to allow the otha brotha to slip up and call at 11pm on a Saturday night, 'cause her phone is turned off by 8pm.
She knows that the otha brotha’s name must be "coded" in her phone.
She knows how to forewarn her girlfriends when she is with “him.”
She knows how to throw the blame off on you and say that you are the one cheating.
She knows how to play the game and for this reason, women are hard to catch. So, my friend, there is no magic formula that will help you to approach your wife. If you actually have the nerve to approach her at this point, catch her off guard by being blunt. Just ask her straight up if she is cheating. If your woman has any game, which it appears as if she does, she will never admit to cheating. She knows that all you have is suspicion and no tangible evidence.
She will lie till the day she dies.
On the other hand, you can just continue to lay low, just as you have, because like my mother always said …
What’s done in the dark, shall always come to light.
If U doin’ dirt, the dirt will do U in.
What comes around goes around.
.....and a cheating, lying, bitch of a woman will keep her man forever … for as long as SHE wants him.

Suspicion, you haven't approached her because U are playing the "waiting" game. Waiting for her to slip up so that you can get mad, fuss for a minute, pout, sleep in the other room and eventually remain in the relationship until SHE decides to leave. If you had enough SELF-love and a SELF-deserving spirit, then you probably would have confronted the issue a long time ago.
You put up with this suspicion for a year? Hell, that's a long time.
Deal with it mannnnnnnnn and all the other issues in your relationship, 'cause I am absolutely sure that this suspicion “thang” is not the only problem in this marriage.

Old African Proverb: He who for a long time believes that his wife is cheatin’ …. probably has a cheatin’ wife.

And BTW … You stated that all men have accused their women of cheating at some point in the relationship. This is defintely not a true statement. I know two mute Chinese women in the state of GA that haven’t. :)