Hey Rachel!

HIS INTERNET PROFILE WAS A LIE!

2011-12-29T22:06:00.010-05:00

Hey Rachel!
I finally tried internet dating. While searching, I ran across a handsome guy with a great profile. We talked on the phone for several weeks and after he rescheduled several times, we finally met at Starbucks. I was shocked. His profile said 5’11”, but he was only about 5’2.” I’m 5’10.” I cannot date anyone that short. To this day, he continues to call. How can I tell him I’m not interested without hurting his feelings?

Hey Uninterested,
As my momma used to say “He’s a liar and the truth ain’t in him!” Yeah, it’s possible to play with an inch or two, but nine inches? If he lied about his height, what else did he lie about? His plan was for you to fall in love with his personality prior to meeting him and overlook his need for a step ladder.

It’s quite easy to say that you’re being superficial by not wanting to date him because of his height, but that’s not true! You know what you like; therefore, you have every right to date who you like. Even though he lied, it’s best to let him down easy. Although it’s no excuse, just understand that he lied because he has a negative complex about his height. Can you imagine what it’s like to be an extremely short man?

Most women don’t return calls to men they’re not interested in, but be a bigger woman than he was a man (no pun intended). Simply tell him that you’re looking for a real and honest relationship and that because he lied about his height, you’re not interested in dealing with him … at all.

Chicka, you really need to update your profile and add those “deal breakers” (things that you won’t tolerate) including liars and men the same height as Kirk Franklin, Jermaine Dupree, etc.

Check out this Q&A and more in the latest edition of KRAZE magazine at a local newsstand near you!

SHE WANTS TO COME OUT OF THE DARK!

2011-09-13T07:51:00.012-04:00

Hey Rachel!
I prefer to have sex in the dark! I’m in decent shape, so I don’t know exactly why, but I do. My boyfriend doesn’t care if we make love in full light or if it is pitch black. As a matter of fact, I think he prefers sex in full light. Rachel, why do you think most women are more comfortable with having sex in the dark and how can I come into the light?
DarkINDenver

Sista. Two words. BODY IMAGE. As women, whether fat or skinny, many of us have had issues with our bodies since we lost our virginity. Blame it on TV, magazines, and those raunchy porn videos. As we aged, we realized that good lighting, airbrushing, anorexia, drugs, etc. created most of those “fake” images we saw, but by then, it was too late to turn on the lights.

Really now, have you ever undressed in front of a man who decided not to have sex with you because you were out of shape? I’m sure that hasn’t happened. Why? Because most men, who are in the process of getting laid, won’t give a DANG about your ripples, dimples, and stretch marks. No way! Not in the heat of the moment!

When he first met you, he knew you didn’t have a body like Rihanna or Janet (the slimmer version), but he still chose to be with you. Some men may even comment on your weight gain, but still won’t turn down a sexual encounter.

Women, we need to "COME INTO THE LIGHT.” No matter what our body type, we must relish in the “realness” of our individual beauty.

So, the next time you undress, let him bask in your natural imperfections.
Roll up the shades.
Turn on the lights.
Heck, pull out the spotlight.
Once you stop focusing on your perceived problem areas, you’ll have more time to focus on why it is that you ain’t NEVA EVA had a REAL freakin’ orgasm anyway.

Check out this Q&A and more in the latest edition of KRAZE magazine Krazemag at a local newsstand near you!

SHE SAYS HE'S JUST TOOOO NASTY!

2011-06-05T19:45:00.017-04:00

Hey Rachel!
I was dating my boyfriend for one year and the sex was great, but he was a little too kinky for me. He loved the smell of sex. After we made love, he’d leave the house without bathing and head straight to work or wherever he was going. He said he wanted my scent with him all day and into the next. But, last week, it wasn’t my scent he was wearing. He came over and when he kissed me, I noticed a strange and very bad odor. After investigating, I found that the smell was the result of him having oral sex with his ex. He made me unknowingly taste her juices. Now, I don’t ever want to kiss another man. How can I get over this and are all men nasty?
Disgusted in Florida

Hey Disgusted,
Please stop being dramatic! You actually dated a man who went to work or wherever after hot steamy sex without taking a shower for lawd knows how many days. Did he ever shower at all? … And yes, many men are nasty. Sex is an obsession for most men. The more times with you, the better. The more times with you and someone else, the better. The nastier, the sexier. You should be angry with yourself because you dated a nasty man. He was nasty from day one. So nasty, that he didn’t even brush his teeth after sex with his ex who could’ve had a nasty disease (RE: The bad odor). He had to know you’d smell sex on his breath 'cause her coochie was rank. In his perverted mind, he might have thought the smell would turn you on. Maybe not. Maybe he didn’t care. But really? Who in the hell has time to figure out his nastiness anyway? Men have been sleeping with women back to back since the beginning of time and even back then, the smart ones used fig leaves to clean up. Get over it! You’ve been getting a “taste” of his other women since the inception. In the future, kick the nasty sexual deviants to the curb quickly, including the next man you find wearing your panties, who asks can he bring in a midget for a ménage a trios ….

SHE'S A PLAYA ... DRIVIN' THE MEN WILD!

2011-01-03T19:36:00.013-05:00

Hey Rachel,
I have 4 men in my life right now. They each fulfill a need. One gives me exquisite sex, luxury, and allows me to live in a fantasy world. The other gives me a little money and sweet gifts. Another provides good conversation and the other, well, he's just there (I haven't figured out my attraction to him yet). It only takes one day a month with each of these men for me to be satisfied. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a Hostess Ho Ho! I just don't want a man right now because I don't have time. However, I do need to be in the company of a male, afterall, I am a woman. My question to you is ”Why are they behaving like women?” I know that they each have a significant other, yet, they bitch about me not returning their calls. How can I get them to except the fact that they are just there for my pleasure without facing losing them? Yes, I am being selfish, but so are they. I don't want love right now. I have other priorities.
Playing-the-field

PlayaPLAYA,
R U for real? R U serious? R U living in reality? Why am I not buying this whole scenereo? There has to be waaayy more to this story than meets the eye. There are definitely deeper issues here, but it would take too long to discuss all of them, i.e you may be fantasizing a little here ... most women can't handle all this drama, don't have time for it and are not this hardcore. You may not be committing because your heart has been broken too many times in the past, you've not dealt with mental/emotional issues, etc..... But what da hell? Just in case you're being honest, I will play along with this probable bullshiznit. First of all, the men are all in other relationships, so why do you need to convince them of anything for fear of losing them? Besides, what man would run from free "patookie" without anything attached to it? Do you really need to answer to them about anything at all? ... And by the way, YES, you are a Hostess Ho Ho.

But, not to fear Playa, despite the over the top situation, the good part is that you've stumbled upon the true SECRET to driving men wild. These men are not going anywhere until you kick them to the curb. The SECRET? U DO U! What does this mean? It means that when you met these men, U kept DOING U. You put yourself first and they came second, third or fourth. We all have to admit, that many men have been doing what you are doing since day one.

Ladies, when you meet men, do they alter their plans to be with you? Do they dump their friends to hang out with you? Do they run to the store and spend their bill money on new underwear? Do they stay on the phone all night talking with their friends about how wonderful you are? Hell no! Yeah, women are emotional creatures, easily excited about anything man, but we have to start thinking more with our heads rather than our hearts. WOMEN, U MUST COME FIRST! U DO U and I guarantee U that the men will break their necks to DO U. No pun intended.

SHE CAN'T TELL HER FAMILY THAT SHE'S DATIN' A BROTHA

2010-08-23T19:51:00.018-04:00

Hey Rachel,
I am a white girl who has fallen in love with a black guy. I know that race relations have changed somewhat, just look at the election of Obama. As a matter of fact, my entire family voted for him. Despite that, I don’t know how to tell my parents about my relationship. Even though they have several black friends and have never really appeared to be very prejudice, I know that they will never approve of him. I’ve seen how they smirk at the interracial couple in our neighborhood. My boyfriend is very handsome, sweet and smart. He also has a very promising future. We are both in our senior year in college and it is likely that he will be a first-round draft pick. We have been dating for a year and a half now and I've never introduced him to my parents or informed them of the relationship. But, I have been to his parent’s house several times for dinner and he says that they like me. Rachel, he says that if he can’t be introduced to my family soon, that we can’t be in a long-term relationship. I just know my parents will not accept him, so what do you think I should do? S. S.

S. S.,
Yes, you are right. A black man is the President of the United States, but there are still folks who would be scared to take HIM home to meet their parents. S.S. … or “Scary Spice,” I should say ….. don’t be scaaarrrred. U have nothing to fear. As soon as I read the following, I just knew that you would be alllllllright …

“He is in his senior year and it is likely that he will be a first-round draft pick.”

Sweetheart, when it comes to money and fame, many folks are color blind (just check out the Kardashian parents). Yeah, they see color and hate quietly, but money and fame usually supersedes bitchin’ out loud about it. Now, I must admit, parents of any color tend to cringe when their child brings home a mate of a different race. They know often times that the couple will have to deal with a lot of grief from the outside world, especially family and friends, who will shoot evil glances and be just darn nasty about it. They also fear the trauma that the bi-racial baby may encounter throughout his/her life.

S.S, it appears as if you are a grown azz child and are capable of making your own decisions. If this brotha means that much to you, present him to your parents. Folks usually stand up for that which is important. But, I am asking you to think long and hard about your decision. By introducing him to your family, you could risk alienating them. Also, as an interracial couple, the two of you will have to endure all the other “BS” that rears it's ugly head from the old school folks and the pissed off sistas, especially, if he doesn't turn pro and you guys are just another ordinary broke azz black/white couple.

Love should be colorblind, but it is not.

Chick, your man is probably feelin' as though you are not that into him if he has to be hidden from your family. The fact that he has introduced you to his family makes the situation even more difficult ... I must say that for some reason, black folks tend to readily accept other races into their family .. you would think that after 250 years of slavery, etc. that we would be more hateful ... Anyway, sooner or later, my little pale compadre, you're going to have to make a decision.

. ….. But, 4real girlfriend…. POSSIBLE FIRST ROUND DRAFT PICK? I ain’t one to be materialistic, but you would have to be damned crazy to let this one slip by. The brotha is sweet, good-looking, smart and on his way to untold wealth? Hell, I would introduce him to my father, The Grand Wizard, if he was tryin’ to get at me. I'm just gonna be straight with it …. Girlfriend, DON’T BE NO FOOL! This .... coming from a black broke azz relationship advice columnist, who b/c of her skin tone (bright, but not bright enough), would probably never have interested a black good looking athlete soon to make millions and millions of dollas, unless I wuz his high school sweetheart and he was the baby daddy to three of my rugrats :)... Heck, this is my column and I can say whatever the hell I want to!

THE POWER OF "NO!"

2010-05-17T12:02:00.014-04:00

Hi Rachel,
First of all, I love reading your columns because you really do keep it 100, so, much love for that.
Thanks girlfriend! I hope you feel the same way after you read this response.

My situation is so chucked full of issues that I don't know where to begin.
The beginning is always fine.

So, I'll begin where I am.
Cool.

My boyfriend and I have been living together for the past 3 years. Though we love one another very much and we appear (for all intents and purposes) to be the perfect couple, we are still no closer to being married than we were when I met him 5 years ago.
Rule #1: The longest period of time that any woman (who wants to be married) should date any man is 2 years. This is a rule that should never ever be broken. After the first date, a man immediately categorizes you:
1. Potential serious relationship
2. Someone he keeps in touch with in case he decides he wants a serious relationship
3. Just a friend; potential bootycall
4. A "4 real" booty call
5. A potential bank account, housekeeper and/or chef
6. Someone to tell his problems to ... without reciprocity … he DOES NOT want to hear about your shiznit!
7. Someone he calls whenever he's bored. When he's bored, he simply scrolls through his phone and calls chicks until someone answers. He knows that at least one or two desperate chicks that he hasn't spoken to in months will fall for the “Hey, what’s up? Just thinking about you" line and the rest... as they say ... is history; easy bootycall
8. Someone he calls when he is angry with his wife/girlfriend … once again, he just wants someone to tell HIS problems to
9. Someone he calls when he "breaks" up with his wife/girlfriend; bootycall by default
10. Someone to keep him company, fulfill his sexual needs and cater to him until the RIGHT woman comes along
Your intuition tells you where you stand immediately after the two of you start hangin' out/sleepin' together … at least within a month. He's probably even said that he does not want to get married and/or have kids ... DON’T FIGHT THAT GOD GIVEN INTUITION that tells you where you stand and for goodness sake, please don't think that you're so special that you can change his mind!!

Don't get me wrong, this man is THE MAN. He does everything for me. He drives me around; cleans the house; cooks; fixes my 10 year old car so well it almost seems brand new; he loves my son and teaches him how to be a man and essentially he is my best friend.
Hmmmm … well he certainly sounds like “THE MAN.”

If you saw us together you'd swear we were meant to be. I say all of that to say that I love him with everything I've got, but, I am tired of "playing" house.
OOOOOH NO! Here it comes … the great set up. Tell me all the good things first and then drop the bomb, “He is great, except for ..."

I wear diamonds on my wedding finger, lying to myself so that people can assume that I am married.
This is an eye opening statement. Step outside of yourself for a moment. If another woman said this to you, how would you view her? Would she seem desperate? Would she sound like she was lacking self worth?

I call him my fiancée instead of my boyfriend, because at 38 years old, I feel like those boyfriend days are over and, whenever we get into heated debates (some might call them arguments) the first thing that pops into my mind is "okay, he's going to leave so I've got to figure out how I can pick up the pieces and make this work solo.”
Sweetie, in your own words, your “fiancé” is imaginary, so, if the imaginary man leaves, then that is quite ok. You can’t stop him from leaving. The fantasy that you've built … the progression of a relationship of one …. your Cinderella story … is non-existent … this time. This fantasy relationship where the two of you are going to get married and live happily ever after … non-existent. If you are creating fantasies and serious problems exist now in the relationship, the problems will quadruple if the two of you are ever married.

And Rachel, this happens every time we get in an argument, including the one we're having now about money. Oh, I forgot to mention that I'm not so good with money, but I work hard and I refuse to spend my life indebted to the system and not be happy.
You refuse to spend your life indebted to the system and not be happy, but you are ok with being indebted to an unhappy relationship where you have to wear a ring and pretend to your friends that he is your fiancé?

So, I take care of me and mine, and I take care of him.
Huh???????? You take care of your pretend fiancé?

Everything he owns right now, I purchased.
R U 4 real?

He's the type that would rather suffer in silence just to pay a bill.
But he will allow a woman to pay for everything he owns?

At times I envision him to be my opposite equal, but today is not one of those times. He, on the other hand, does not work. He goes to school and I take care of the rest.
Damn, he is lucky! Let’s hope that when he gets that degree, that another woman will not benefit. Rule #2: This type of agreement can ONLY be made while in a respectful marriage.

He definitely plays his position. I work, he takes care of everything else. But like I said Rachel, I'm tired of playing house. When I spend money I do it under the pretense that he is not my husband and I do not have to answer to him and I can't fathom building a future (financially) with a man that says he wants to get married and his actions don't show it.
Ok …. U want to marry him …. U R pretending as if he is your fiancé …. U R living as if he is not your husband but you've paid for everything he owns …. He says he wants to get married, but does not show it … You makin' my head hurt sista girl!

I am honest with myself, if I am nothing else.
Honest? You wear a diamond and pretend to be engaged. U R not honest with yourself!

And the truth is, I would be devastated if we split.
Now that is the most truthful thing you have said thus far.

But I know I'm strong and I was making it before him and I'll certainly be making it once he's gone, if that's the route we take.
Go ‘head, give yourself a pep talk. I ain’t mad.

The thing is, I'm afraid of being single Rachel. Of this I am not afraid to admit. I do not like being single nor do I want to grow old alone. The women in my family are going through that now and looking at them struggle 'alone' is one of the reasons I put up with so much.
"Torn," you’re afraid of being single, because you've probably never REALLY been single. Being single means getting to know and love oneself. It means being comfortable with being alone and relishing in that time. It is a time to be able to self-reflect and to understand why it is that you continue to pick “bad” men. Being single is not the time to pout because you aren’t in a relationship. It is not while you're chasing after someone who does not want you or vice versa. It is not while you're ending a bad relationship or when you’re dating just for the heck of dating because you’re scared to be alone. Being truly single is to be free of all the entanglements and emotions related to caring and catering to another person. Have you ever truly been single? If so, you would know what it was like to experience such glorious peace and would surely be reluctant to let it go. After experiencing such calm in your life and learning to love yourself and accept the space you are in, you WILL be very selective when it comes to the next man you choose to spend quality time with.

When we go out together, and we always go out together, the places we go are top to bottom single females, eyeing him like he was the three course meal after dehydrating in the desert of singleness. Don't take that the wrong way, I am not a jealous woman. I actually talk with him about it. We look at booties together (he's a butt man) and critique them. I do not inhibit him in any way because I am comfortable with myself and I know who he's coming home to.
I hate to burst your bubble, but would they be eyeing him if they new that they would have to work to support him while he goes to school and deal with all the "otha" shiznit that comes with being with him? I doubt it! Hell, they are fantasizing too! Oh, and you didn't tell me that he was disrespectful as well. No woman can truly be comfortable with a man who does not give her his undivided attention while in public. Come on now ... do you really like to look at booties or are you just trying to save face?

Though he's a good man he certainly has his faults. He has lied to me several times and I've forgiven him each time. He's never cheated; my heart tells me that much. He has financial issues of his own that he doesn't even think about rectifying.
Hmmm … lying, but in no way cheating? ...financial problems? You should know by now what you can deal with and what you can't. Better fix these issues before marriage.

I'm not sure what I'm asking but I need someone else to look at this from the outside. At the end of the day all of my actions, especially the not so positive ones, point to the fact that I'm sick of being his girlfriend; sick of playing Ken & Barbie; and even more sick of the fact that maybe the only reason he's hanging on is because he's waiting until he gets on his feet. I don't know. Too many questions and I've probably already answered them all, but I just don't want to see it.

This my dear, leads me to my heading … THE POWER OF “NO!” Check out these affirmations:
No … I will never doubt my GOD given intuition
No … I will not love someone more than I love myself
No … I will not sacrifice my happiness because I am afraid of being alone
No … I will not give a man the benefits of being my husband, if he is not
No … I will not continue a relationship if the bad outweighs the good
No … I will not live this “one and only” life unhappy
No … I will not wait to make decisions. I will do it now, b/c the sooner a decision is made, the sooner the healing process begins.
As sistas, we all need to start saying NO! If we say no to disrespect, married men, abusive men, etc., then "men" will have to behave like "real" men and treat women with the respect and dignity they deserve!

I'm an educated woman; three degrees; I teach at the college level and I have a career as a manager with a global company; I mentor business women from around the world; I write; I sing; I build websites; I learn for the sake of learning, so why can't I help myself in this situation? It seems to me that none of my professional or academic successes has equipped me with wrestling with these mountainous problems.
You are dynamic my sista! Understand that the heart and the brain are separate entities. As you know, since the beginning of time, the great and powerful have been taken down by the opposite sex. You can help yourself by JUST SAYING "NO!" That word carries power. That is how we teach our children the difference between right and wrong. If we say “NO … NO MORE TO THAT WHICH IS NOT JUST!” and really mean it, either the GROWN AZZ brothas will straighten up their act (for at least two weeks) or will go away and never return. If they go away and never return, then you'll have saved yourself even more wasted time.

As strong as I know I am, is as weak as I know I am. I just don't want to be alone and I don't want to lose someone that can potentially be my life partner just because I want something now that he is not willing to give me.
Torn.
Believe it or not, being in a stressful relationship is much worse than being alone. Every relationship has potential, but, how long does one hold on and wait? There must be a limit to how long stress is endured. After two years, I am all for ultimatums. At this point, what do you really have to lose anyway? What are you scared of? Spending time with U? Happiness, peace, and contentment only occurs when we recognize an injustice, say "NO!" to that injustice, work to correct the problem and if the problem continues, walk away. After walking away, we can then fight through the pain and lastly take the time to fully heal before we jump back into the grind. We must put God and then ourselves first, which means that if a relationship is not "ADDING THE VALUE" we need, then we need to ask ourselves why we are prolonging the inevitable. U R strong my sista. Black women are the strongest creatures on earth. Despite the chaos we witnessed while growing up, we must scrap those images and understand that ..
Love does not hurt.
Love is not chaotic.
Love is hard at times, but always respectful.
And despite the ups and downs, love is always certain.
Peace be unto you my sista!

SHOULD HE TELL HIS FRIEND THAT HER "MAN" IS ON THE "DOWN LOW?"

2010-01-02T12:13:00.011-05:00

Hey Rachel,
I am a gay male living in an apartment complex in midtown Atlanta where many of the other males in the complex are living “in the closet.” I do not believe in living a secret life. My family has been aware of my preference since Jr. High school. Recently, I encountered a real “in the closet” moment. My best friend, who happens to be a female, had been sleeping with someone that she has never introduced me to. Finally, she decided to take me with her to the club in order for us to meet. The club was packed and we immediately got separated. After a few hours, I noticed one of the boys that I had been intimate with, who also lives in my complex, and proceeded to go and speak to him … undercover, of course… b/c he does not want anyone to know about us. As I walked over to him, I noticed that my sisterfriend was having a heated conversation with him. I walked up and they stopped bickering and she quickly introduced me to her “sleepmate” … as she calls him. She says that she calls him that b/c he won’t commit. I was dumbfounded. I knew that we had a hidden relationship, but I didn’t know that she was the one that we were hiding it from. I could go deeper into the story, but I won’t. The boy and I met later and he swore me to secrecy. Rachel, should I tell my friend about our relationship or continue to let her think that she is dealing with a straight boy?
WayOut

Hey U,
I’m so glad that you even give a damn! We have all read about and some of us have even been touched by the “down low” escapades of many of the males, especially the brothas, in the gay community. I applaud you for having the strength to live your life out in the open, despite all that you have to endure. I also understand how hard it is for others to make and live by such a decision and for that reason, I will not pass judgement.

WayOut, you have three choices, either you can inform your sisterfriend about her “down low” boyfriend, you can stop seeing him and keep quiet, or continue to see him and keep quiet. Hmmm…. Let’s take a look at all three scenarios …

Informing her …. By telling her, you might just be saving her life. You and the “closet” dude may be careful, but, is the “closet” dude careful with the other guys or girls he may be sleeping with?

Stop seeing him and keep quiet … Well, why should you tell? Why cause a whole bunch of shiznit? Your sisterfriend and the “closet” guy are not in a committed relationship and neither are the two of you …Go ahead, stop seeing him and keep quiet. Let her continue to be hoodwinked and bamboozled and catch something that she can’t get rid of… I mean, what are friends for?

Continue to see him and keep quiet…. Well, why should you stop seeing him? Your sisterfriend and the “closet” guy are not in a committed relationship and neither are the two of you …Go ahead, continue to see him and don’t tell your sisterfriend. Let her continue to be hoodwinked and bamboozled and let the both of you catch something that neither of you can get rid of…

Let’s see, from the likes of things, both of your azzes had better stop seeing this guy in order to save both of your lives. If he is lying about his lifestyle, then what else is he lying about? As we all know, let’s be honest, many folks are crazzzyyy and do not use protection, especially after dating a person for a long while. One will look at another’s physical appearance and determine their medical condition. Hell, Magic Johnson is the healthiest lookin’ person that I know. The truth of the matter is that your sisterfriend and the “closet” guy were probably arguing b/c your sisterfriend is becoming emotionally attached to this guy, despite what she says.

WayOut, if you allow this secret to continue, you are only adding fuel to the fire. I can’t tell you what to do, as I know you have a vested interest in both parties ….but, what I can do is give you one to grow on …. If you answer NO to this question, then you know what you must do ….Opening your mouth will definitely cause a whole lot of grief, but, R U ready to deal with the consequences of "NO ACTION?"

You decide.

WHEN IS ENOUGH ... ENOUGH?

2009-10-11T23:04:00.033-04:00

Hey Rachel, I am married to a man who is constantly unemployed. He has been unemployed for more than a year, this time. According to him, his prospects aren’t looking good. Lately, he has been gone all day looking for work and staying out all night. We don’t have sex anymore, our savings is depleted and the mortgage is one month behind. Recently, he has talked about foregoing a job and opening up a business. I encouraged him to put the business idea on hold and at least take a part-time job, but, he states, as usual, that he is over-qualified for the available menial jobs. I’ve always been the one who works consistently and takes care of all the family business, but now, I am tired and I am always depressed. At this point, I think that I am ready to end the relationship. What do you think?
Stuck in Scranton

Hey Stuck,
Me? Tell a woman to leave her “man?” Never! But, in this case, since we are not talking about a “real” man, "RUN FOR THE HILLS AND NEVER LOOK BACK!" This relationship is toxic. He says that he is out all day looking for work and into the night? HA! He is doing everything except looking for a job, i.e. layin’ up with Suzy, shooting pool with Johnannem, gambling and Lord knows what else. He has no intention of getting or keeping a job. Your husband is fine being unemployed and is not putting the relationship first. How can anyone think about starting a “binness” while the mortgage is behind and the savings is depleted? Over-qualified for a part-time job? HA! No one asks your credentials when you cut grass or wash cars. Hell, McDonalds ain’t checkin’ no references. Soon, your mortgage will be four months behind and you will be frantic, while he continues to be missin’ in action. As a matter of fact, he might even request that YOU get a second job. Move on if and when you are ready, my sista. He moved on … A LONG TIME AGO!

Now, don't I sound like all of your girlfriends that either don't have a man, hate the men that they are with or are looking for a man and can't even find one under a rock? The first inclination is always to say "LEAVE! LEAVE! LEAVE!" when things appear this lop-sided. If you have endured this much for this long and you're still with this man and are writing to tell me this BS ... saying that you are thinkin 'bout leavin' ... then we should be discussing how you can remain in the relationship while still keeping some semblance of your pride intact. Yep boo, my only inclination is to tell you how to endure ... soooooo ...

Keep payin' all the bills ... but, smile while you write the checks.
Continue to stay up late waiting for him to come home... keep yourself busy by knitting a couple of booties for his otha babies.
Constantly call his cell phone and continue to get the voice mail ..... but now, for a just a little relief, spend some time calling the hospitals to see if maybe, just maybe, he is not answering b/c he got into an accident.
Watch him attempt to develop a "binness" ... and go ahead ... take a loan out on your 401K to give to him so that he will have enough funds to endure.

Stuck, UNTIL and I say UNTIL you get to the point where you realize that you deserve better and that you can get better and that better can't be any worse than what you have, you will probably remain with this brother.
Maybe it will take you losing your home before you wake up...
Maybe it will be that diagnosis of some kind of venereal disease that you can't eva eva get rid of ...
Maybe it just might be finding out that he has been sleeping with your good friend, male or female ...hell, at this point, I wouldn't put nothin' past him.
Sistafriend, in actually, HE is doing fine. HE is living life exacty how HE wants too. The only problem is that he is enabling you. He is allowing you to remain in a state of total chaos and depression. Just where U want to be ... where you are used to being. As we all know, it is much easier to be depressed, then to be happy, much easier to sit still, then to make a move. Life has been shit for so long, that you don't know or can't conceive of any other way of living.
Boo, I can't help U.
U gotta help yourself.
Some of us have got to lose it all in order to eventually win and you my dear are a prime candidate for this unnecessary torture.
When is enough ... enough?
I already know.
That's for you to figure out ... hopefully, before it's too damn late!
Sistagirl, you need to have a private word or two with the Creator.

THERE ARE CERTAIN THINGS THAT SHE WOULD NEVER DO IN FRONT OF HER MAN .....

2009-07-30T20:39:00.010-04:00

Hey Rachel,
I was with my girlfriend one day and she just let “one” rip. I informed her that she was being innapropriate and I then asked her why she didn’t excuse herself. She stated that letting one rip is only natural. I asked her if she did such things in front of her boyfriend and she replied, “Of course, I do.” How disgusting is that? There are certain things that I will never do around my husband, including passing gas, burping, #2 anywhere in the house where he will be susceptible to the aroma, etc. I was taught that a lady should act like a lady. What do you think?
Prim & Proper

Hey Prim,
ROFL! For those of you who don’t understand the lingo, that stands for “rollin’ on da floor laughin.” Prim, I have answered many questions over the years, but none such as this. As far as I am concerned, as long as you and your spouse mutually agree to be “nasty” in front of one another, then what you do behind closed doors is your business. If a woman is just plain nasty, she must make sure that she finds a nasty mate; someone who will appreciate her nastiness. For those of you who have been holding in the nasty and are tired of running outside to let one rip, excusing yourself from the dinner table to burp and running to a different part of the house when you have the runs, there is a way to make your spouse accept your nastiness, but, you are going to have to break him in slowly. First, start out with a soft “poot” and see how he responds. If he laughs and shrugs it off, then let a louder “poot” rip later. If he is cool with that, then try using the bathroom in the master bedroom to take care of your business. If he doesn’t notice the smell, then you are in like Flynn. Loud burping should be reserved for the car and at home.

Prim, do me a favor. Don’t ever write me again. This is a serious relationship site! :)

SHE IS TIRED OF MAKING SACRIFICES!

2009-07-08T19:55:00.021-04:00

Hey Rachel!
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over 3 years. We are both young and successful and do not have any children. He is planning to go back to his hometown to school in order to further his career. However, it would mean that I would have to leave the comforts of my hometown and job to be with him or suffer a long distance relationship. I know it sounds crazy because I am apprehensive about starting a new life with this ambitious man. However, we will not be able to live together in this new city because he has told me that he does not want to work while he is in school. Since we are not married, I don’t want to support him and it does not seem as if he wants to get married any time soon. I don’t want to go to a new city and live on my own, especially since we have been living together while in my home town. It is like we are going backwards in our relationship. I have made so many sacrifices to be with him already. What ever happened to compromise? What do you think I should do?
Confused

My dearest Confused …
Why are U confused? He ain’t confused. He knows exactly what he wants to do. His plans are intact. Now, I don’t have anything against this ambitious young brother, hell, I wish more young men were as ambitious and sure of themselves. But, here are the scenarios that you will have to choose from …

• You leave your job and your hometown to be with him (You really aren’t going to be with him because you two will be living in separate households). You guys get settled into your prospective places and BAM! Cindy moves next door to him. Well, Cindy likes him too and she does everything that she can to break up your relationship. He ends up fallin’ for Cindy or sexin’ up Cindy....and as the story goes, you get tired of sitting at home waiting for him to take you out and decide to take your lonely azz to the skating rink (Hell, yall seem real young) and I’ll be dang! There goes the two of them kissin’ it up at the shoe counter and there you go ... left all alone in the big city.

• You stay in your hometown, in familiar surroundings, with the same job and all your family and friends and he moves to another city. He gets all settled in with Cindy. Yes, Cindy! Hey, he grew up with her. She was his first love. She said he could come stay with her until he gets himself together and there you go … wondering why he keeps tellin’ you this ain’t a good week to visit and why he keeps saying that he is gonna call you back, but never does.

• You leave your job and all that you know to chase after him. You find a cool place to live. You say that he can’t live with you 'cause you don’t want to support him 'cause yall ain’t married, yet, he is at your house so much that he ends up living with you anyway (just not on paper) and you end up paying all the damn bills 'cause his name is not on the paper. In the end, you get mad ‘cause you're footin' all the bills and kick him out. He takes his lonely azz to the skating rink one night and BAM! Meets Cindy.

For real though Confused, in a situation such as this, a woman can’t win for losing because she is the one who is making the sacrifice. Sacrifices such as this only occur when the love in a relationship is unbalanced. If his love was stronger for you, he would be going to school in your hometown or making sacrifices to work at least a part-time job so that he could live with you and help pay the bills. As we all know, women mature quicker then men and once we have our minds made up, we want what we want. Confused, this young man ain’t ready for what you ready for. If you are going to move anywhere, make sure you move to a place where you can still be happy without the man. You better believe that if he is moving back to his hometown, he will be getting re-acquainted with old friends and maybe old lovers.

Confused, whether you are moving as a married couple or not, the relationship only has a 30% chance of survival. But, on a positive note, you guys just might be one of the thirty percent that actually make it. You move to his hometown, the relationship continues to grow and wedded bliss occurs after he has graduated and found a career. But, this will only happen if …
• U accept him for who is
• Respect his wishes
• Don’t pressure him to do something that he is not ready to do, ‘cause pressuring him will push him away
• Let him stay at your house without making him feel guilty because he is not contributing ….. etc., etc.
….. And even if you do all of this, he will still probably dump you anyway because you are not challenging enough for him and go straight to Cindy. Remember, most men luv Bzitches.

Basically Confused, you are gonna have to cater to him.
Now, ain’t that a damn shame?
U are gonna to have to cater to his needs in order to keep him.
Well, you are the one making the sacrifice.
You are the one whose love is stronger.
You are the one who took the time to write this note.

Old African Proverb …. Never sacrifice anything for someone who is not willing to sacrifice for you unless the sacrifice will benefit you in the long run.

Good luck my friend!

SHE WANTS TO KNOW IF SHE SHOULD APPROACH HER CHEATIN' MAN

2009-05-22T15:26:00.033-04:00

Hi Rachel,
Just a quick question and in need of your "keep it real, tell it like it is advice." Can you explain to me why it is that some men think that they can get away with talking to another woman on the side, but continue telling you how much they love you, how they want to spend the rest of their life with you, introduce you to their parents, blah, blah … How do they think they can get away with it? I look on the phone bill, which he knows I have access to and all I see are calls to another woman … calls that are made when I am upstairs in another room. So, my question is: Do I bother confronting him about it and ask him why he says such wonderful things to me, while constantly calling another woman or do I just stay silent and tell him that I no longer want the relationship and pretty much drop him w/out reason? If I confront him, he may deny it or come up with some lie and he would also know that I was "snooping.” Rachel, one more thing, I don't know why I am asking all of these questions, when I for one am not even married to him. Is there something wrong with me or what? Not sure why I am wasting my time. Perhaps, I just need to drop him ... ugggh!

Why Bother

Why Bother,
You’ve got so much going on, that we are going to have to dissect your question and provide you with all the answers that you need to rectify this problematic situation immediately ...

Your statement: Rachel, can you explain to me why is it that some men think that they can get away with talking to another woman on the side, but continue telling you how much they love you, how they want to spend the rest of their life with you, introduce you to their parents, blah, blah … How do they think they can get away with it?

Uh ... well ... U are allowing your man to get away with it and so has every other woman who has asked her girlfriend that same question after knowing that her man has been calling another woman for a while .... which means that, because of women, a hell of a lot of men are getting away with havin’ “bootay” on the side.

Your statement: I look on the phone bill, which he knows I have access to, and all I see are calls to another woman; calls that are made when I am upstairs in another room.

Uh ... ok ... so you do know that he has been calling “bootay” for a while, 'cause it appears as if you’ve been looking at the phone bills for quite some time. He is a sneaky one girlfriend, makin’ those calls while you’re in another room. It appears to me that he is just too bold and doesn’t give a damn. Sistagirl, love "talk" is cheap. Actions are the only love words you need to hear.

Your statement: So, my question is: Do I bother confronting him about it and ask him why he says such wonderful things to me, while constantly calling another woman or do I just stay silent and tell him that I no longer want the relationship and pretty much drop him w/out reason?

Well, being that you have not confronted him by now and cussed him to no end when you saw the first phone bill, we know that you can’t be a “real” sista and we also know that you can’t be down with "da girlz in da hood" if you even thinkin’ about ending the relationship without cussin’ his azz out.

Your statement: If I confront him he may (1) deny it or (2) come up with some lie and (3) he would also know that I was "snooping.”

Yes, Yes and Yes … all three are true, but, who cares? He surely doesn’t. His azz talkin’ on the phone to the “bootay” while you're in the other room changin’ Jr’s diaper.

Your statement: Rachel, one more thing, I don't know why I am asking all of these questions, when I for one am not married to him.

And sorry to say chick … neither myself or my friends at the psychic network foresee this relationship headin’ to the alter. I wasn’t so sure about the “alter” thang, so I called Dionne Warwick’s “new” psychic hotline to assist me with this particular matter.

Your statement: Is there something wrong with me or what?
Yes there is.

Your statement: Not sure why I am wasting my time.
Me either.

Your statement: Perhaps, I just need to drop him...ugggh!

Well, I guess you really didn’t need my “keep it real, tell it like it is advice" after all. I am a little pissed that you made me waste my money calling the psychic network, but, all is well, because you, my friend, managed to solve your own dang problem.
Kudos to you!

Old African proverb: She who knows that her man ain’t worth shiznit knows that her man ain’t worth shiznit.

HE WANTS TO KNOW HOW TO APPROACH HIS CHEATIN' WIFE .....

2009-04-15T19:51:00.024-04:00

Hey Rachel,
My wife has accused me of cheating. What man's wife hasn't, right? But, I haven't cheated and I have gone out of my way to prove it. I have suspected my wife of cheating for at least a year now and she has a cell phone that has a lock code on it. Now, I am not an insecure man. I put trust in her, but again, I have suspicions. I don't want to accuse her like she accused me, so, what steps do you think I should take?
Suspicious

Suspicious, most women cheat when the relationship is just about over. There are some “hoes” out there that just cheat for the heck of it, but for the most part, women cheat when they are tired of a relationship. When they feel that the man is not providing them with the 4 “Ss” …SECURITY, STRENGTH, STABILITY AND SEX. In a nutshell, they are just damn TIRED of not feeling special!

Well, before we move on, let’s discuss the main ways that you can tell when your woman is cheating:
1. Check the panty drawer. Check under the bed or in a box in the closet. When a woman cheats, she always buys new sexy undies. There will be shit tucked away that you’ve never seen before. Look for new perfumes and lotions as well. C’mon, you know what’s new. You haven’t seen her in anything but sweats in a while and she’s been wearing that same Ivory soap scent for years now.
2. Ask to give her a foot rub. She will probably be surprised, but nevertheless, what used to scratch you in bed will no longer scratch you anymore. Those feet will be smooth as a baby’s bottom. The red polish will no longer be chipped on her feet or fingernails.
3. She doesn’t give a damn about what you do anymore. The things she used to argue about just don’t matter anymore. As a matter of fact, she walks around the house in her sweats, whistling old Luther songs, while she’s cooking your favorite meal.
4. You don’t get as many phone calls as you used to during business hours. She has to get in the sexy calls with the otha brotha, hell, she can’t talk to him at night.
5. If the phone is not locked, ‘cause, if it is, as in your case, she is definitely hiding something, check for names you’ve never heard of, whether male or female. Women NEVER put the otha brotha’s name in her phone. Be weary of names such as “Bertha2,” if you know her grandmother only has a home phone.
6. If she doesn’t fuss about giving you sex anymore, begin to wonder. A woman will give you “pity” sex when you ask for it just to try to throw you off. If she brings new moves into the picture, she’s been watching porn with the otha brotha.

Suspicious, when it comes to cheating, women are smarter and more patient than men. Women can flirt with a man for months before they actually do the “nasty.” They know how to plan the whole thing out, but, U men, U think with your little part. When sex is on the brain, all logic disappears! Women know not to allow the otha brotha to slip up and call at 11pm on a Saturday night, 'cause her phone is turned off by 8pm.
She knows that the otha brotha’s name must be "coded" in her phone.
She knows how to forewarn her girlfriends when she is with “him.”
She knows how to throw the blame off on you and say that you are the one cheating.
She knows how to play the game and for this reason, women are hard to catch. So, my friend, there is no magic formula that will help you to approach your wife. If you actually have the nerve to approach her at this point, catch her off guard by being blunt. Just ask her straight up if she is cheating. If your woman has any game, which it appears as if she does, she will never admit to cheating. She knows that all you have is suspicion and no tangible evidence.
She will lie till the day she dies.
On the other hand, you can just continue to lay low, just as you have, because like my mother always said …
What’s done in the dark, shall always come to light.
If U doin’ dirt, the dirt will do U in.
What comes around goes around.
.....and a cheating, lying, bitch of a woman will keep her man forever … for as long as SHE wants him.

Suspicion, you haven't approached her because U are playing the "waiting" game. Waiting for her to slip up so that you can get mad, fuss for a minute, pout, sleep in the other room and eventually remain in the relationship until SHE decides to leave. If you had enough SELF-love and a SELF-deserving spirit, then you probably would have confronted the issue a long time ago.
You put up with this suspicion for a year? Hell, that's a long time.
Deal with it mannnnnnnnn and all the other issues in your relationship, 'cause I am absolutely sure that this suspicion “thang” is not the only problem in this marriage.

Old African Proverb: He who for a long time believes that his wife is cheatin’ …. probably has a cheatin’ wife.

And BTW … You stated that all men have accused their women of cheating at some point in the relationship. This is defintely not a true statement. I know two mute Chinese women in the state of GA that haven’t. :)

SHE WANTS TO BE ALL THAT HER "MAN" WANTS HER TO BE ....

2009-04-05T17:30:00.022-04:00

Hey Rachel,
I recently ran across a man that I would consider to be a great catch. He is handsome and appears to be very successful. He owns a company, but to this day, I don’t understand what he really does. I don’t see him as much as I would like too, because he says that he is busy working. He sometimes goes through bad financial times and during those times, I give him what I can. Rachel, how can I catch a successful man such as this? I always try to make him happy, but he constantly tells me that I am not doing enough. How do you think that he really wants me to behave and if I get him, how will I need to behave in order to keep him?
TryinToBe

Hey Tryin,
This question brings out the "SheDevil" in me ….
I'll just let you review my past Q&A’s on self esteem issues, being damned gullible, loving a “dog,” etc. and jump right into telling you what a non-successful, perpetrating brotha really wants …..

1. A woman that looks good as hell … weave bangin' … booty janglin' … hips swangin.'
2. A woman without a brain … “Obama who?”
3. A woman who asks absolutely no questions … “So, honey, I see that you’ve been gone for three days and I had no idea where you were, but, I hope you had fun!”
4. A woman that does not question when a signature is requested on an important document … “Do I sign here honey? Right here where it says co-signer’s signature?”
5. A woman who will dress like an angel during the day and a “ho” at night.
6. A woman that stripped in a previous life, but keeps that job a secret and only displays those talents when she poll dances and booty shakes at the crib.
8. A woman that loves to shop ...but thinks that Frederick’s of Hollywood and T.J. Maxx are high quality boutiques.
9. A woman who does not inquire about any of his bank accounts … whether one even exists or if he uses the check cashing joint at Walmart.
10. A woman that will go without, so that he can go “with” ...Shaquonda, Karla and Pam.
11. A woman who can keep the children clean, quiet, on the honor roll, and polite; will make sure that dinner is on the table … whenever he gets home, keeps his clothes washed and ironed, keeps the house immaculate and rarely associates with her family and friends.

Tryin, this type of man wants a woman that he can control. He wants to be able to do whatever the hell he wants to do, including seeing other women.

The only way that he can "control" U is to make U feel inadequate and totally unsure of yourself.

How do you need to behave? Like your damn self, that’s how! The “self” that was hopefully instilled in you by your parents … the self that demands respect and desires to be cherished. But, I know that you are too far gone to be anything except who he wants you to be. You’ve not even gotten to the stage where you realize that U R being controlled and that this control may just destroy you.

Write me back when you want to ask the following:
1. I have lost my soul in this relationship and I am truly unhappy. How do I escape being controlled?
2. How do I begin to build up my self esteem and learn to love myself?

Old African proverb: She who tries to please a man that does not deserve to be pleased will never please a man.

SHE'S HATING LIFE RIGHT ABOUT NOW ....

2009-03-23T23:12:00.010-04:00

Hey Rachel,
I am depressed. I just turned 43 years old and I don’t have a man, nor do I have any prospects. Although I love children, I am unable to conceive. My job is driving me crazy and I am financially strapped due to past unemployment. I am drowning in credit card debt and my mortgage is three months behind. I am thinking about just letting the house go. It needs an incredible amount of repairs and it is way over-valued anyway. I feel completely overwhelmed at this stage in my life. I really find it hard to get out of bed these days. I want to get it together, but I just don’t know how. My family and friends are confusing me with their thoughts and bringing about even more pressure. Maybe, if I had a man / family to help me through this, things would be much better for me. What do you think?
DownNout

Down,
You failed to mention that you were suffering from an incurable disease, that you do not have the use of your limbs and that you are completely blind and almost brain dead.

Why did you fail to mention such horrid circumstances? Probably because you’ve been blessed and are not dealing with these types of issues; issues that can’t be “fixed.”

I know. I know. All problems are relative and as far as you’re concerned, you’re living in a pool of shiznit. Sistafriend, there is still a chance for you in this here life. Do the following in the order provided and the sun will shine again:

1. Immediately make an appt with your doctor and be honest about the crappy life that you are leading. Don’t hide the depression. Give all the gory details. He won’t be able to fix your financial problems, but he will develop a plan to combat the depressive symptoms, including medication, exercise, better eating habits, sessions with a therapist, etc.
2. Comb your hair, brush your teeth, put on some clothes and make-up and because you are so dang broke, do your own nails and feet.
3. Write a list of all the “good” things in your life and yes, there are some. “Post the Positives” on your mirror. Repeat them to yourself REAL loud in the morn and at night.
4. Visit a homeless shelter; stop focusing on your problems for a moment and spend time helping out folks that are waaaaay less fortunate than you.
5. Strengthen your spirituality. Attend church. Commune with your pastor and fellow church members.
6. Fix yourself before you focus on a man and babies. Having a man does not always mean that you have someone to depend on. Hell, you could be trying to feed him and a baby right now as well. Once you get yourself together, you can read my suggestions on how to meet a man and as far as having babies is concerned, fostering to adopt programs are waiting for good parents.
7. Find a new job first and then quit the old one. Don’t be a fool.
8. Just let the damn house go. But, make sure that you find somewhere else to live first. No material possession is worth a stroke. If you decide to keep the property, there are several programs geared towards mortgage assistance. Start with financialstability.gov and go from there.
9. If the housing assistance programs don’t work for you and the bills are just too overwhelming, bankruptcy may be an option. After about 6-8 months, the credit card companies will be callin’ again ( …..and please, just get one card for credit purposes). You will be able to get a house in about three years. Hell, that’s how long it is going to take you take get back on your feet anyway.
10. …… And most of all, just figure out what makes you happy and DO IT!

Down, bump the naysayers! Those family members and friends who are yackin’ about what’s best for you, but ain’t footin’ the bills. Life is too short. 40 is the time to relish in all the wisdom that you have acquired.

Once you get out of your depression, begin to live again and focus on your blessings. A house will come, money will come, children will come, etc. But, soon thereafter, when you are trying to juggle your personallife, marriedlife and mommalife and have acquired all the material possessions that you could possibly hope for, you will surely realize that the grass is not always greener. Your new responsiblilites might just be so overwhelming, that you start reminiscing about singlehood all over again..... Take my word for it. Ugh!

HE'S A TIRED BLACK MAN.....

2009-02-22T22:55:00.039-05:00

Hey Rachel,
I am an avid reader of your site. It gives me great insight into what women are really thinking. I have never been compelled to write to you until I watched a little known “B” movie called
"Diary of a Tired Black Man” http://diaryofatiredblackman.com. Finally, a movie that discusses the male perspective in a very honest and in-depth way. I constantly hear about the problems facing black women and I think that they should all check this movie out to see what men are really thinking. But, just in case your readers can’t get a copy of the movie, I am going to take it upon myself to elaborate on the “TOP TEN” things that brothas are tired of:

1. My beautiful black sisters, please stop naggin’ a brotha to death. Every time we walk into the house, you all have something negative to say about what we didn’t do or what we did wrong.
2. If you know deep down inside that you have a good man, work with him! NOBODY’S PERFECT. NOT EVEN YOU!
3. Don’t turn our children against us. Just because you can’t stand us anymore, doesn’t mean that you need to make our children loathe us as well. Our children need fathers in their lives.
4. Even if you don’t like our mothers. Be cordial. We will always love them despite their faults.
5. Support us when we are trying to make life better for our families. Support our entrepreneurial efforts. Go without for a minute in order to prepare for a possible windfall in the future.
6. Have sex with us even when you don’t feel like it. It will keep us decent brothas from straying and please just don’t lay there lifeless. Take the rollers and the sweat pants off. We are visual creatures.
7. Give us a little praise from time to time. If you are still with us, then we must be doing something right.
8. Clean the house and cook a meal every now and then. Many of us older brothas grew up with our mother’s doing that from time to time and we want you to do it too, at least every now and then.
9. Let your cackling girlfriends (I’m not talking about your true positive friends), come over to the house when we are NOT home and please, stop telling them all of our problems. MISERY LOVES COMPANY! They want you to be single and miserable like they are!
10. It doesn’t take much to make us happy. WE JUST NEED A LITTLE SUPPORT AND TO BE ABLE TO CO-EXIST IN PEACE WITH YOU.

Ladies, I am a good black man that recently divorced a black woman that had ABS (Angry Black Woman's syndrome). I have faith that I will find a beautiful black woman that will not take out all of her past frustrations on me.
ATrueBrotha

Dear True,
Thanks for telling us what most of us already know. That a man, just like a woman, wants someone to cater to his needs .... to assume the task of making sure that his life is a bed of roses. But, it takes two to Tango and to “get”… U gotta “give.” We decent women … decent, being the operative word…. will do what you brothas ask if you JUST…..

1. Do what the hell U say U gonna do.
2. Learn to love us. If you don’t know how to love a black woman the proper way, talk to on older, wiser brotha. Get some tips by watching a love story or read a relationship book. Appreciate our strengths and don’t be intimidated by our ability to deal with problems head on.
3. Simply visit your children (other than never or only on the divorce decreed days or when you have absolutely nothing else to do). Get a second job if you are having a hard time paying child support. Love our children unconditionally. Don’t give us a reason to bring about “babymamadrama.”
4. Don’t allow your mother to disrespect us, especially in our own house. You have chosen a wife and if your wife is respectful to your mother, make sure that your mother is respectful to your wife.
5. Get a second job while you pursue that “binness.” Build your business slowly. Don’t drain the family finances. It takes an average of three years for any business to make a profit … even the IRS knows that.
6. Romance us. Don’t just push up on us in the middle of the night when your dick gets hard. You want us to dress sexy? Take us out on the town. Arrange for the sitter. Send us sexy text messages during the day to get us fired up. Take us to the sex store. Buy a nasty movie. Hell, let’s make a nasty movie.
7. Earn praise. Be consistent. Go out of your way. Don’t just do enough to get by.
8. Cook and clean sometimes or earn enough money to randomly hire a maid and/or a personal chef to prepare a few frozen meals from time to time. Most women work harder than men do... at work and even harder at home.
9. "Ack" right. If you do the right thing, we won’t have anything to complain about to our girlfriends.
10. PROTECT. PROVIDE AND MAKE US FEEL SEXY….even when we gain a few pounds.

……And last but not least, JUST IGNORE OUR ASSES... half of the time. Women are emotional and some of us love to bitch, especially during PMS. Some of us do have "ABS" because off the hell from the past(mommadaddydramma, oldrelationshipdrama, workdrama, babydrama, havingtodoeverythingbyourselvesdrama, etc). If you find a good woman, be patient and kind and she will eventually "get" it.

But really, if sistas and brothas are going to co-exist, we must meet one another half way. We must make better choices. What you "meet" is normally what you get. After a certain age, love should no longer blind us. TrueBrotha, don’t get too involved or marry any woman unless you date her long enough to become aware of her idiosyncrasies. Once you become aware of them, accept her for who she is or move the heeeeeeeell on. Half of the struggle in a relationship comes when we try to force grown folks to become something that they are not.

Oh….. And BTW …. What is your phone number cutie? Even a tired ass good black man is hard to find. :)

SHE'S GOT THE DATING BLUES!

2009-02-05T13:14:00.015-05:00

HEY RACHEL,
I am just about at my wits end! This dating game is sucking the life out of me! I have been divorced now for about five years and things surely are different in the world of dating. What ever happened to just meeting a guy that you seem to be compatible with, the two of you getting to know one another and if the chemistry is there, being open to future commitment? Now, it seems as if there is a whole lot of game-playing, lying and plenty of baby mamma drama. It is even worse for me, as I have a six year old daughter to add to the mix. Having a young child adds even more stress to dating because I am not available whenever the guys want to get together. And, let’s not mention the fact that I work two jobs and have other interests that keep me real busy. Rachel, I am almost ready to give up totally on the dating scene and just focus on making sure that I raise my daughter properly, work hard to keep a roof over our heads, save money for the future, hang out with my friends every now and then and pamper myself once in a while. In all honesty, I do get lonely sometimes and I know that I definitely want to get married again to a strong black man, but, how on earth do I navigate this dating scene? HELP!
DetroitDaterHater

Detroit,
You are trippin! ...and girlfriend, you are not the only female trippin these days. I get tons of letters from mainly older women who are really depressed because they do not have a "man." These letters are from women, such as yourself, who appear to have everything going for them, yet, they cannot and will not be satisfied/happy until they find the man of their dreams. Ladies, times are different. We, as women, are different. Men, especially, are different and we all know that relationships are different. The divorce rate is now 75% and growing. Women can no longer afford to base their happiness on whether or not they have a man, because, if this divorce trend continues, most will be unhappy for a very long time to come. Of course, we desire the loving comfort of a partner. This desire is only natural and socially correct. But, statistically, the odds are against us ….

Assuming that the blackbotha/blacksista statistics are correct, there are approximately 100 black women to 87 black men...
20 of those black men are unavailable to black women because they desire women of other races, namely white women...
20 are in prison...
20 are homosexuals / down-low ( bastards) … which leaves 27 black men for 100 black women (excerpt from mybrotha.com)

These numbers show that we have very little to work with, but, speaking in more specific terms, if we get rid of the lying, game-playing trickstas and those brothas with absolutely no sex appeal, we have about two to choose from. So, Detroit, if the situation were reversed and you were one of two male commodities, how would you behave?
Well, for starters,
…..U would probably relish in all of the attention that U were getting from women. Women, that fifteen years ago, would never have dared to pursue men so boldly. U would date, date, and date even more, especially, if the women were offering to pay for the dates…
….. and, if half of those women were sexy and gorgeous and offering up sex instantly, U would probably sleep with each and every one of them
….. U would become spoiled, because the women, out of desperation, would be offering you gifts/money, cooking you dinner, rubbing your feet, giving you great massages, etc.
and…
….U would come to believe that all women are gullible, because so many women, due to loneliness, would accept all the lies you would tell
….U would no longer be a “man” like the real men we used to know, because once again, out of the necessity to have a man, any man, the women would become the caretakers and expect very little of you.

Now, Detroit that sums up the African- American dating scene in a nut shell. Dramatic, I know, but there is some truth to the scenario. You ask how to navigate this scene? Well, for starters, just do “U.” Continue to be different from all of the other women that I just described. Continue to respect yourself and to demand respect from brothas. If they want you, they have to understand and accept the “single” mother thang ....yada, yada, yada, just read my previous blogs on how to find a man, but, above all else, thank God for all of the other blessings that he has bestowed upon you at a time when the world is in chaos … if you put yourself out there and remain thankful, one of the two available good black men will surely enter into your kingdom and whisk you away … hopefully, before Valentine’s day!

Well, hell, at least it all sounds good!

Reality check: Detroit, just get you an expensive dildo, a fuck-buddy, and a good male friend and continue to deal with the bouts of loneliness and mild depression associated with not having and looking for a man …that is …until you find a man….and then, once you find a man, deal with the bouts of loneliness and severe depression associated with the 75% divorce rate…..

SHE IS TIRED OF NOT HAVING A "MAN" FOR THE HOLIDAYS!

2008-12-15T20:05:00.021-05:00

Hey Rachel, here we go again! I am alone for the holidays, once again! It seems as if I am the one family member that rarely brings home a mate during the Thanksgiving or Christmas holidays. All of my brothers and sisters, except for me, are married. I have never been married, but at least prior to the last couple of years, I had a boyfriend to bring home to holiday functions. I am 35 years old and the older I get, the harder it seems to find a man that I can click with. I live in Atlanta and you know the ratio of men to women in this town. When I meet a brotha, either I am into him and he doesn’t want to become serious or vice versa. I am just about ready to give up and give in to the fact that I may be single forever. As you can see, I am not a bad looking lady and I have a lot to offer a nice man. I am well educated, I have a great job and I want to be able to give my heart to someone. Maybe I am just looking in the wrong place at the wrong time for the wrong person. Rachel, can you give me some ideas about how I can meet a man in this city full of women?

LonelyinATL

Well for starters, Lonely, I would not worry too much about having a man at the table in order to fit in, because, if those married couples are anything like any of the married couples that I know, they are probably going through holy hell behind the scenes. The grass is rarely ever greener, it just appears to be.
Dammit, girlfriend.
Learn to love yourself in the meantime.
You seem to be doing pretty well and you are absolutely gorgeous! Cherish the freedom that you have. Have fun exploring the possibilities. A good man will come. One always does … eventually. But, he will more than likely appear when you are no longer desperate and are just having fun dating all types of men without all those wild and crazy expectations. There is something to be said about the desperate energy that a woman exerts when she is craving a relationship. It is an energy that turns men off. Men love the chase. There are so many women in line for the few brothas that are available, that they are only going to be attracted to those women that do not appear to be desperate and that exude love for themselves.
Open yourself up.
Expand your horizons.
Take a few bucks and join MATCH.COM AND BLACKPEOPLEMEET.COM. Take some gorgeous pics. A full head shot. Some playful shots and a few provocative shots. Watch as the flirts start comin’ and the men tell you how beautiful you are and that you are the woman that they have been looking for all of their lives. If nothing else, your self esteem will be instantly boosted. Whether folks like it or not, this is how dating is done and the best way to find a date for older folks in the 25th century.
It sound cliché, but join a church group. I know that you really want to give of yourself and there are many groups to choose from:
The Finance Committee
The Christian Ministry
The Communications Ministry
The Boy Scout Ministry
The Health and Wellness Ministry
The Men’s Ministry (It’s about time they start letting women in)
Hell, the Parking Lot Ministry. You are sure to meet brothas while standing out in the cold directing traffic and helping to park all of those expensive rides.

Learn to play golf. Boy, this is a man catchin’ sport.
Go To a Basketball Game. Go to a Football game.
Try to hook up with a white boy by going to a hockey game.
It's all in the numbers my friend. The more you date, the closer you will be to finding the type of man that you want.
Send an email to all of your married friends and tell them that it is their duty to introduce you to one of their husband’s single friends. They would love to be able to brag about being the one that helped you find the love of your life. But, the best way to meet men in Atlanta, is while hangin’ out at the Publix on Camp Creek Parkway. I have been told by many a source that the single brothas shop there in droves. So, make sure that when you go that you are lookin’ your best!

Anyway, Lonely, on a serious tip, you need to chill out and enjoy being single. In most cases, marriage and serious relationships bring about a whole new set of problems. If you really want to find a man, you gotta get out the house and do new and exciting things, cause ain’t no man gonna come knockin’ at your door…. unless of course, he is a bill collector, the pest control man, the cable guy, the UPS man, the alarm system man, the telephone repairman, the milkman … hmmm ...

SHE IS A "DOG" LOVER

2008-12-09T20:17:00.005-05:00

Hey Rachel, I recently start dating this guy that is a pretty nice guy. He has an average job, average looks, an average car and his personality is average. He is pretty low key, but he is also kind, steady and even tempered. You might be asking yourself by now, what the problem could possibly be, but I am ashamed to admit, that he is boring me to death. I am used to charismatic men who put me through a whole bunch of changes and end up breaking my heart. It is something about those charismatic men that drive me absolutely mad! The connection and passion are out of this world! My mother loved my father passionately, although she went through 30 years of hell with him. Well, I am 39 years old now and just before I met this man, I had become tired of the drama. I decided that I wanted a good man. He came into my life and I let him in. He treats me like I am the queen of the castle, yet, I am thinking about discontinuing the relationship. We have been dating now for five months and I just don’t feel the true passion that I am accustomed to feeling with a man. I need excitement! I really do like him and I do want a good husband and kids and I know that this man is the type of man that I need in my life, but how can I live the rest of my days without real excitement and true passion?

BoredinNC

Hey Bored, first of all, let me diagnose your illness. You are a bonafide “DOG LOVIN SISTA.” I oughta know, I wrote a book about it. You are the type of sista that claims that she wants a good brotha, but wouldn’t have one herself, if’n he was Denzel Washington. A sista, whose mother probably told her that she'd better leave the no good fools alone or she'd be alone ... and in essence, you are alone. Of course, there's absolutely no way that you're going to find a brotha who'll meet all of your expectations. But, it looks like you’ve come pretty close. You've met the almost "perfect" brotha and what are you getting ready to do?
Dump him, that's what.

Why?
"Perfect" brothas.
Bah humbug!
You don't want one.
They're just too damn nice.
Too predictable.
No trauma. No drama. No passion.
B-o-r-i-n-g.

Face it, the cold hard fact of the matter is that you're not really looking for a "perfect" brotha, if you're looking for pain, excitement, drama, unpredictability and a heartbreak. What you're really looking for is a "dog."

dog (dawg) n. an African-American male who does one or more of the following on a constant basis: cheats on his significant other; sometimes with her best friend, lies to everybody about everything, cons everyone; mostly women out of their money, behaves selfishly, doesn't claim any of his kids or doesn't support the ones he claims, doesn't return a call for days, tells you that you're too fat, sexes you up only when he wants too, marries someone else while the two of you are dating and yes, you still have sex with him, etc.; an African-American male who spends most of his time doing everything in his power to mistreat a sista and makes up for the pain by bestowing her with short periods of insatiable pleasure.

Tell the truth.
I know it's sad.
"Dogs" are exciting.
You go to hell and back with these brothas.
The bad times are terribly bad, but the good times are terribly good. As a matter of fact, the few good times are passionate enough to overshadow the bad.
You love them "dogs."
Most of us do.

Girlfriend ... come on now...you are almost 40 years old. Haven't you experienced enough pain? Aren't we supposed to learn from our mistakes? As we all know, most of us look for men that share the same characteristics as our fathers. Take inventory. As you’ve already said, your father put your mother through hell. Is your search for passion worth all of that? Passion, for women who love "dogs," should be defined as a desire that has treacherous consequences. It is time for you to understand that love is not about pain and that you can no longer accept your parent’s type of relationship as the norm. That relationship was not cool and it was not right. Now, mind you …… I know that nothing that I can possibly say will sway you into automatically accepting this great guy that worships you. You probably see him as a "punk" because he has not manned up and started actin' up. You are going to have to take this one on by yourself and hit rock bottom in order to realize what it is that you really need. But, let me tell you this, by the time you figure it out, it may well be too late for this guy. So, head on "back out" there again ... and again and continue to get dogged by creeps in your search for the wrong kind of passion. Mind you, I am not saying that you cannot have a relationship where you desire your mate above all else, I am simply saying that if you only believe that you can be passionate about a brotha that will cause you pain, that you need to think twice about your priorities. Take some time to take even more self inventory girl. Afterwards, if this man has hung in with you and you have realized that love and pain are not synonomous, just say fuck it and begin to drop your guard. Allow him to love you. You say that you really like him. Look at this man for who he really is. If you find that you truly cannot deal with him, so be it. Just understand that IT IS NOT WRONG FOR A MAN TO LOVE AND WORSHIP YOU! Regardless of what you think, this is not a punkish trait. Say to yourself that you deserve better….As a matter of fact…. post this on your mirror …I DESERVE BETTER!. I promise you … If you open up to him or some other good brotha and begin to accept the true nature of love ... the passion will come!

SHE IS TRYING TO CHANGE HER MAN INTO AN “IDEAL” MAN

2008-12-02T18:23:00.017-05:00

Hey Rachel,
I have been married for four years to a man who was my best friend. We were friends prior to getting married for at least five years. During that time, we discussed the various relationships that we were involved in, thoughts on work, money, etc. I have always been successful in my chosen career and he has always settled for working a low paying job in the parts department at the Ford Plant. He will not even take the supervisory jobs offered to him because he does not want the responsibility. I am concerned because he has been working at the Ford plant for 15 years now and as we all know, the car business is in trouble. I have asked him several times to go back to school and to try to find a different type of career, even work with me, but he states that he is too old to go to school (he is 52). He is also not interested in working with me or at any other stressful job. There are so many things at this point that frustrate me about my husband and I must say that most of them I knew about prior to marriage, i.e. he does not believe in saving for the future and that bills should be paid by the due date. Rachel, I have decided that I want a more progressive man. I fear that if he does not change, I may have to leave the relationship. Can you help?

ChickOntheMove

Hey Chick,
I have said it one million times and I will say it again.... YOU CANNOT CHANGE A GROWN ASS MAN! You knew that this man had no ambition when you married him. YOU CANNOT CHANGE A GROWN ASS MAN! You knew that he was not financially saavy or secure when you married him. YOU CANNOT CHANGE A GROWN ASS MAN! You knew that he was not interested in higher education when you married him. YOU CANNOT CHANGE A GROWN ASS MAN!

Women, come on now. I know that it is hard out there and that brothas are scarce, but don’t marry an average OLD ASS BROTHA and think that he is going to somehow turn into Prince Charming. If you are and have always been ambitious, are you all of a sudden going to close your business and work as a french fry cook at McDonalds? Hell No. If you understand the importance of saving money and paying bills, are you all of a sudden going to spend your savings on exotic trips and shopping? Hell No. Girl, your husband is going to be who he is going to be. He may change if he hits rock bottom or if the two of you separate... I think not.

Chick, I am sure that you have tried everything in your power to change him and as it stands, nothing has worked. Even Rachel can’t fix him. If you are going to stay with him, no need to be miserable, just accept him for who he is and be happy and besides, your negative traits list did not include any of the standard cheating, abusive, lying, hanging out in the streets, possible down-low, non-working bum analogies.

As we all know, the first step to curing a problem is to admit that you have one. It is quite obvious that this brotha does not even believe that he has a problem and even if he did come to that conclusion, only he can institute change. Just be reminded of the this age old African proverb ….She who sets out to try and change an old ass brotha would be better off trying to convince a gay man to turn straight.

Chick, you knew what was up from the gitty up.

SHE WANTS TO FIND A MAN THAT IS WEALTHY, FINE, INTELLIGENT, SUCCESSFUL, GIVING ……

2008-11-23T14:58:00.023-05:00

Hey Rachel,
I don’t mean to sound conceited, but I am an intelligent, gorgeous woman with a 36-24-38 frame. I cook very well and I know how to clean a house. As a matter of fact, I am the total package. Men honk at me while I jog and they stop me in the store while I am trying to shop. I am a model by trade, but I have not hit the big time as of yet. At 43 years of age, I am not sure that I ever will. At this point, I have been dating losers and trying to figure out why. I have so much to offer and I’ve decided that I will not settle for mediocrity. Recently, I have quit dating all together. I am tired of men approaching me that lack money and prestige. Rachel, since I have so much to offer, do you think that I should continue to hold out for a good looking man with money and prestige or should I continue to deal with men who have very little money and no prestige, even though they tend to cherish my mere existence? I am ready to settle down and have children, but I don’t want to do that if my man is not rollin’ in the dough.

FineAss

Hey FineAss, check out this pic….

At 43, this is about all you are going to get if you want a man rollin’ in the dough. Girl, if you look at most women that have men with lots of money and prestige, they’ve been married to these brothas for many years. Look at Denzel and Pauletta, Magic and Cookie and Barack and Michelle. Most of these men marry their high school sweethearts or women who dealt with them prior to the big bucks rollin' in. If they so desire, they just play with golddiggers such as yourself. These women, such as Pauletta and Michelle had no idea that their men would become rich and powerful. They just simply stuck by them during the rough times and ended up with brothas that shattered the glass ceiling. Unless you are a Hollywood starlet, Supahead or just lucky as hell, your chances of actually meeting, marrying and having babies by one of these dudes that are already paid, is slim to none. I don’t mean to harp on the age thing, but girl, as it relates to what you are trying to accomplish, you are old as hell and it does not appear that you are really offering that much … BA? MA? MS? DOCTORATE? ENTREPENEUR? ACHIEVEMENT AWARD? A DAMN TROPHY? You might look good, but unless you are an African American sista, you won’t look good for very long and you definitely won’t be able to compete with the 20 year olds. Having babies is risky at your age and that is the only way to really lock in the funds. Sistagirl, U need to get a real job and make enough money to make sure that U are financially secure whether U have a man or not. Just get a decent brotha, making a decent salary, without spousal support and child support for five babies and live your life. The two salaries combined with allow for a comfortable life style if you are financially prudent. A decent brotha will probably treat you better than some arrogant, old-ass, non-emotional dude with a whole lot of funds. Most dudes with money, at least the ones that you will probably be attracted too, will not treat you the way that you want to be treated. This type of brotha has the pick of the litter. It would be hard for him to trust you b/c he will probably think that you are dealing with him b/c of the money ... and guess what? it appears as if you would be. Girl, to be honest, you need to hurry up and let a decent dude into your life if having a baby is that important.

FineAss, some of the saddest peeps in the world are the peeps with money. They may be able to pay the bills and enjoy those things in life that most of us only dream of, but insanity develops as their main focus becomes trying to stay on top and holding on to the money. These brothas have dealt with so many scandalous folks, that they end up alienating themselves from people/emotional connections. The price that they pay for being on top, most of the time, is the ability to trust, to find peace and some semblance of happiness. Look at all the rich folks that have left this world due to suicide caused by depression, alcohol abuse, drug abuse, etc. The grass is not always greener on the “rich” side, more often times than not, it is brown and rotten.

If that didn’t get ya, just sell yourself on www.seekingarrangement.com, the elite sugar daddy dating site for women who don’t want to do for themselves... who want to live lavishly on money that others have worked really hard for. The site where most of the men are married and want to hire you as a part-time hooker … where you will spend all holidays alone and will eventually be dumped for a younger version …

FineAss ... Getta life … Your Own Life … So that U can have something to offer a brotha besides booty and beauty.

HER MARRIAGE SUCKS

2008-11-18T14:32:00.014-05:00

Hey Rachel,
I need to add spice to my married life! I have been married to my husband for 8 years now and we have fallen into a rut. He goes his way and I go mine. I get my own oil changed and get my own car washed, get the children ready for school, take them to school, pick them up, go to work from 9 to 5, send the bills off (He pays almost all of the bills, even though I make pretty good money), clean the house, cook dinner four times a week and whatever else there is to do. He watches sports, gets his own oil changed, washes his own car and asks me what’s for dinner every night. Don’t get me wrong, he does pitch in from time-to-time, but this relationship is very lopsided. I have spoken to him about this, but he appears to be oblivious to the situation. He always says he is going to do more, but he never does. He seems complacent with this cumbersome, rather boring existence. I am frustrated, which means that sex is almost non-existent, even though I am still sexually attracted to him. I do still love him, but things have to change! If it were up to him, our relationship would remain this way forever. Rachel, help, I need to spice up my marriage before it is too late.
Bored2Death

Hey Bored,
Yes, if it were up to him, this sad relationship that the two of you are in would be the same way forever, but, the relationship that he may find himself in outside of the marriage will be spicy as hell. If you don’t work to turn things around, he will surely stray or may already be kickin’ it with someone else. It may appear that he is content, but he is not. No one is content with a boring, sexless marriage. His apparent contentment may be because he may have some young stuff on the side that's providing him with the lovin’ that he is not getting at home. Don’t let the calm, cool exterior fool you. Since U are writing me, I am going to tell you U how to begin to repair the relationship. You seem to love him and he seems to be a pretty good guy, besides having such normal flaws as being lazy and oblivious to the marital problems. The reason he behaves the way he does is that he has no motivation to do any better. Girl, give him some motivation. Take them chillins’ over to their grandmother’s house or to the babysitter on Friday night. Go to a really nasty website and order you something sexy as hell … a lacy negligee with a garter belt and black thigh high boots. Make sure you buy a whip so that you can wop that ass. Call him at the office at noon and tell him that you have a surprise planned for him (if he’s not cheating, he will be there) …… call him again at about 2pm and tell him that he is “Oh so sexy”…… and call him one last time at around 4pm to tell him that you are laying on the bed playing with yourself … he will be shocked and probably wondering … because of the abrupt change in attitude … who in the hell you been fckn … Whateva … Tell him not to come home until 8:30pm. You then drink a Red Bull laced with vodka. Light some candles. Take a warm bubble bath. Shave in all the right areas, maybe cut a little heart all up in it. Polish your nails and toes and scrub those rough heels so that they won’t scratch the brotha … look at yourself in the mirror, whip in hand … thigh high boots … and say to yourself that you are one fine, sexy ass diva … now … back to life ….and back to reality … I know that you are shakin' your head right now and saying that you don’t like him that much right now to go through all of that trouble, besides, what has he done for you lately … besides pay all the damn bills? Sistagirl, just take the kids somewhere for the evening, drink a Red Bull with a stiff shot of vodka and have sex with your man. It won’t hurt to bubble bath it up and put on that sexy nightie that you haven’t worn in years and give the man some. Men are not complicated, they just need some lovin’ from time to time and a few words of encouragement.

After the two of you have sexed it up and he has gotten a few winks, tell him, in a nice way, that you need some help and if he does more, that you promise to sex him up at least three times a week … come on … you can at least stick with one to two times a week. He may laugh and think that you are crazy, but it may just work. You have to give a little to get a little. If you love him, you have to find the energy to give the brotha some lovin’ here and there. A few words of thanks for the few things that he is doing right won’t hurt either.

Sistagirl, just try the sex tactic and if that or nothing else works and you are on the verge of having a nervous breakdown, say fck it and move on. Girrrrlll … you will be just fine. You’re making good money and you are doing everything on your own any damn way.

HER BOYFRIEND HAS TOO MANY FEMALE “FRIENDS”

2008-11-11T11:34:00.006-05:00

Hey Rachel,
I need your advice...I have been dating a man about 9 years older than me for about 4months. We always go out to dinner and do fun things together. We have shared information about our past relationships and about our future. He has shared with me that he is in love with me, wants to spend the rest of his life with me and has never felt this way about a woman, especially in his past relationships. Things are going pretty well, however, there is just one problem. His female friends. Most of his friends are female and about twenty years ago, he was intimate with the three friends that he considers to be his "best" friends now. These women obviously are in dismay b/c I am the new woman on the block. One, in particular, got a hold of his phone, forwarded his calls to her phone and checked his email while he was away from the computer. She got my email address and constantly emailed that she wanted to meet me. He found out what she did and was mad about it. He told her how inappropriate it was and how she needed to deal with him moving on with his life. She even left me a voicemail stating that the two of them were getting married in the fall of next year. I forwarded her voicemail to him and he said basically that she has some serious mental issues and that he has never proposed to her...that she bought her own engagement ring. However, he still stays in contact with her and is a support system for her b/c she left for the military. I understand that men have female friends and he says that I have nothing to be concerned about, but my thing is that these women are in love with him and feel as if they own him. If they need something, they come to him. They always depend on him. So, I am asking, should I be concerned? He is very consistent. He always calls me and is attentive to my needs, etc. I am not intimidated by these women; it's just that they need to move on.

Getta life

Getta Life,
They need to move on? Did U actually say that “they” need to move on? “Getta Life,” U need to GET A LIFE and U need to move on! Having friends is a wonderful thing. It is great that your man has friends. It appears as if he has three very “wonderful” friends. So wonderful, that one has even called you and stated that she and your manfriend are getting married. He states that she is crazy … so crazy that she brought her own engagement ring? Birds of a feather flock together. You say that these women are in love with him and they think that they own him? Well, they do. You have only known this brotha for four months and they have known him for 20 years...well, should I say that they have been sleeping with him on and off for twenty years...that would be a more appropriate description of the relationships. Sista, I hate to be harsh, but even Stevie Wonder can see this. This brotha wants to have a full fledged harem and I think that having three or more women constitutes just that and by golly …you are on your way to being the fourth woman. Look, if you still want to deal with this brotha and you want to see whether or not he really loves you, simply tell him that these women are tormenting you and that he will have to end these co-dependent relationships with them or you will have no choice but to move on. There is no other way to handle this situation. Either he will “say” that he will cut them loose … and of course he will not cut them loose. He will still continue to see them on the sly because he has known them for twenty years and he enjoys the drama and/or the sex or he will simply tell you that he will NOT cut them lose and you have to accept the situation the way it is, because they are “just friends” …. yadayadayada…. Either way, you are screwed. Hey, the choice is yours ….you can continue to be naive or you can drop this playa, because that “crazy” chick ain't lying...he WILL marry her next fall (brothas always end up marrying the crazy ones) and find a brotha with a little less drama. Check your self esteem. Look at yourself in the mirror and like what you see. YOU ARE WORTHY OF BETTER! Relationships are not meant to be this complicated and if they start out that way, they will surely remain that way.

Sistafriend, this dating thang, like sales, is a numbers game. The more “no-good brothas” you run into, the closer you get to a “decent” one…..…..and always remember this age old African proverb: She who remains naive and sees life through rose colored glasses, will always get shitted on by no-good brothas …

“Getta Life”……Get Real…I am rooting for ya!

SHE IS SINGLE AND 40 AND TRYING TO COME TO TERMS WITH IT

2008-11-02T17:29:00.018-05:00

Hey Rachel,
I am a 43 year old woman who has quit "looking" for a man. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love men and men only, but the search for a good one has been time-consuming, wasteful and disappointing. These days, when I meet a man, it seems as if he is either married or just darn crazy. I want a good man, but I am at the point where I am just too tired to continue to look for one. I am wondering whether or not, in the final scheme of things, if I really want or need a full time man in my life. It appears that if society did not make me feel less of a woman for not having one, then I would be just fine with a little sex here and there and maybe a cool friend that I could just hang out with. I do get a little lonely from time to time, but overall, I have a great life. I own my own home, pay my own bills without effort, take care of my daughters, have a lot of great friends and have a pretty full social calendar. So, Rachel, I am just wondering how to accept the inevitable and be fine with the fact that I may never find a man that will add value to my life, and if not, be ok with being alone.

Coolin in Connecticut

Hey Coolin,
ADD VALUE? Now these are the operative words that 40+ women, and all women for that matter, need to focus on when trying to qualify a relationship. If you have it going on or at least think that you do and a brotha cannot "ADD VALUE" ….He needs to move on!
Being single and 40+ means that ……
…..a woman knows what she wants, when she wants it, how she wants it and the exact position she wants it in. She ain’t takin no shit!
…..a woman has heard so much bull, that it doesn’t take long for her to kick a “no-good” brotha to the curb. A five minute conversation lets her know if he stays or goes.
…..a woman understands that it is much easier being alone then adding drama to a life that is calm and relatively drama free. She shudders at the fact of being asked “What are you buying now? Are you really going to wear that out? Where did you put my......? Uhhhhh, when was it that the light bill due? Mannnn..I forgot to pay it. That's probably why the electricity has been turned off….”
….a woman is too old and tired to take a 40+ year old brotha that does not have it together and fix him up. Fixing a brotha up is cool when a woman is in her late twenties, but at 40+, she understands that once a brotha gets up in age, HE AIN’T NEVER GONNA CHANGE!”
...and at 40+, a woman who has been single for quite some time, is sooooo set in her ways and sooooo sick of all the bull that only OBAMA knocking at her door will make her excited about going out on a date.

On the real tip sista, society has changed. Brothas have changed and we sistas have emerged as forces to be reckoned with. Everyone out there knows that brothas have experienced the weight of the world. We can’t fix them, they have to fix themselves. They have mamas babying them from birth, absentee daddies not there to teach them how to be men, wives and girlfriends taking care of all their needs, too many women to choose from, too many babies by too many baby mommas, felony convictions that will never go away, corporate America passing them over for jobs, etc. …for these reasons and many more, it appears as if it is hard for many of them to add value to a sista's life.

Sista friend, just be cool with being single until the right brotha comes along. Hook up with a "bootycall" from time to time to get rid of the cobwebs. Find a brothafriend to kick it with. Look, it is your choice, you can spend this time being sad/worried or you can enjoy your blessings ... either way ... YOU ARE STILL SINGLE! Worrying won't change a damn thing! Live your life to the fullest girlfriend. Focus on your blessings and be open-minded to "something new." He will come. You’re trippin? For what? You have it going on girl! Just keep chillin and enjoying life.... and last but not least and most importantly .... FCK SOCIETY! Yeah, I said it.....If you choose to enter into a relationship with a “no good” brotha because you think you need or should have a man, you will probably end up living on the streets and where oh where will society be then? ….. Hey…..I know….not paying attention to YOUR jacked up situation, but trying to figure out how to deal with their own fcked up lifestyles.

Hey, “Coolin”...Don't worry. Be happy!

HER SON'S FATHER IS A NO-SHOW

2008-10-28T18:56:00.001-04:00

Hey Rachel,
Believe it or not, this is not a problem with a present relationship, as I am not currently in one. It has to do with a past relationship, namely that of my ex-husband and the father of my child. Forget the negative vibes that the two of us have, my concern is regarding my child. Although we have been divorced for two years, he has just started to pay child support, after myself and CCS had to hunt him down and he continues to tell my five year old son that he is coming to pick him up and does not show up half the time. Rachel, I am so tired of my son being upset about the no-shows. Because of this, I am thinking about not returning any of his calls and keeping him away from my son. It seems as if he is still mad that I ended the relationship instead of letting him end it. But, before I sever all ties, I am writing to you to get your input. I must say, that the only good coming out of this is that my son raves about how much fun they have when they are together. Most of my friends say that I need to kick him to the curb. What do you think?
SickNtired

Ok SickNtired, most of your friends say that U need to kick your "babydaddy" to the curb? Sorry Sick, this ain’t about U. Although U think that he is mad at U because U broke up with him and U are tired of the bull, once again, this ain’t about U. U are a grown ass woman who has already dealt with her own father, whether positive or negative and now your son has to deal/develop a relationship with his father. This relationship is too important to sever if some semblance of it can be saved.

I had a male friend tell me once that when he was little, his father came around every blue moon and that his mother allowed him to see his father whenever he came around. He said that when his father showed up, he was in heaven. As an adult, he can still recall every moment spent with his father and how special it made him feel to be in his presence. He said that he would rather have had a piece of a father than no father at all.

So, put your pride aside … I know it is hard and he pisses you off, but let him see your son when you two have developed a solid plan for the visitation … as long as you have nothing else planned during that time. Besides, if nothing else, it gives you a damn break!

Your child does not see his dad the same way that you do. In his eyes, his father can do no wrong. Accept the situation for what it is. U CANNOT CHANGE HIM and as I said, this is not about U. Just ask him nicely not to tell your son when he is coming and to only reveal that information to you. If he does that and you play it cool and only say positive things about his father (I know that shiznit is hard to do), the infrequent visits may not affect your son as much... that is ... until he gets older and realizes that his dad is a no-good MF. At that point, your son probably won't even care if he sees him or not... at least not on the surface!

SHE HAS BECOME WAY TOO DEPENDENT

2008-10-16T14:22:00.009-04:00

Hey Rachel,
I am a 39 year old woman who has been living with my 47 year old boyfriend for 7 years. He refuses to discuss marriage and has become increasingly angry over the years. So much so, that I am afraid that he may become violent. I am tired of walking on egg shells and he refuses to own up to or discuss his anger issues. I have not worked in a long time because he states emphatically that I do not need a job and that he can take care of us. Not having worked for a while makes it hard for me to even think about going back into the world of work. I am no slouch though. I do have a Master’s Degree in Education. On top of everything else, my credit cards are now maxed out because he has me on such a tight budget that I had to use them to purchase certain necessities. Despite it all, I do love him, but, I don’t know how to fix this situation. Rachel, please help me out. I need a dose of reality.

SeattleDesperate

My Dearest Seattle,
Can you spell C-O-N-T-R-O-L? Control occurs in a relationship when one person attempts to turn another person into a useless wimp; turning this person into a wimp allows the controller to feel better about him/herself. In essence, the person attempting to control has very low self esteem. So, Seattle, here is your dose of reality as it relates to the man you "love" who has low self esteem as well as other serious issues:

1. The only person that can fix your situation is U
2. Your boyfriend is a grown ass man and only he can fix himself
3. You may want to start seriously thinking about drop kicking/ leaving him as he will surely start drop kicking you, literally. If that little inner voice is telling you that he may become violent, he probably will, or maybe he already has
4. Get a full-time job and stop being lazy
5. Get a part-time job and overwork yourself because you need to put some money in your pocket and pay off all that credit card debt
6. Seek psychological counseling. You have lost your mind by quitting your job, walking on eggshells around your own damn house, not working, not having any money in your pocket and being dependent upon an angry, controlling man that has been getting your milk free for 7 years
7. Hmmm ….. Better yet, forego the counseling and just read your question as many times as it takes to say to yourself “How in the hell did a smart chick like myself end up in a crazy situation like this?” …Get real real mad and you will surely fix this mess!

…. and P.S.... I could say “Set him free. He will learn the error of his ways ... beg you to come back and will then treat you like the queen that you are.” But, I am too old and cynical to peddle such a fantasy.

SHE IS TRIPPIN' ABOUT THE "NEW" CROP OF BROTHAS

2008-10-07T20:42:00.015-04:00

Hey Rachel,
Wow! Things sure have changed. It used to be that I could meet a brotha and if we clicked, we started dating and eventually entered into a relationship. After being married eleven years, going through a tough divorce and recently entering into the single world, it seems as if things have changed. Now, when you meet a guy, he wants sex immediately, doesn’t want to wine and dine you and makes it quite obvious that he is dating other women and that he is not ready to settle down. What is really going on? I am tired of getting my feelings hurt by thinking that these guys will change their minds and somehow that at least one of them will be my Knight in Shining Honor. Rachel, how do you think I should handle the next brotha I meet? Be honest, as I know you will be.

LostinATL

Hey Lost,

You are not the only sista out there who is completely lost when it comes to the "new" brotha. He is the halfway decent brotha that has his pick of thousands of lovely and successful single women in the ATL and all over the world, thanks in part to internet dating, the black male shortage and the desperation of lonely sistas. Not only does he have access to tons of women, he can willingly find one that will pay him to be her man. A sista that will allow him to sit on his ass and not work. A sista who will do anything just so that she can have a man. Because sistas continue to climb the corporate ladder and more and more brothas are not even able to get to the first rung, I fear that things will get even worse. So, "Lost" the answer to your question is to have absolutely "NO EXPECTATIONS" when you meet a brotha. Do not express your needs, wants and desires to him and please, do not conjur up images of him as a possible husband, live-in lover, live-out lover or even a friend. I know it sounds cold, but you have to go with the flow. If he ain’t worth shit or is just "playin," he will show you this rather quickly. I mean it "NO EXPECTATIONS!" Not only will this save you a whole lot of heartache, but it will allow you to weed out the no-good brothas rather quickly. Either you will weed them out or they will weed you out 'cause you ain’t immediately offering the booty, money or a place for them to stay.

Now, you might be presently surprised. Because you are behaving differently and are somewhat of a challenge, you might possibly spark his interest. If that is the case, DON’T CHANGE! Continue to have "NO EXPECTATIONS BOO!" Just go with the flow, 'cause changing into the normal "sista" that discusses her feelings hopes and desires with a man too quickly will put you back at square one!

SHOULD HE STAY OR SHOULD HE GO?

2008-07-22T21:25:00.016-04:00

Hey Rachel,
I am in the process of getting a divorce after ten years of marriage. I have 2 children and am moving on with my life. Throughout my marriage, I remained friends for the last 18 years with my “EX.” We never crossed the line until recently. He has been a great support system to me during my marriage. Recently, I flew to visit him. After 18 years, he is still a very handsome man, but very obsessed with his looks (He constantly looks at himself in the mirror). He is educated, has never been married and has no children. Rachel, I just don’t know what he truly wants. I have learned my lesson and promised myself that I would never try to change another man. He has never complimented me on my looks and upon our reunion, he appeared disappointed. Said he thought my butt was a lil rounder and that my eyes showed that the divorce had taken a toll on me. I was somewhat appalled b/c I look pretty darn good. He is definitely intimidated by me. He even got perturbed when he thought I got makeup on his shirt after I hugged him. I guess my ? is "Am I just wasting my time with him? He says that he sees me in his future, or at least that it’s possible. He does care for me. He says that he is picky and is difficult but would treat his wife like a queen. I may be too desperate or too anxious. He won't tell me what he wants and I feel like I am doing all the work. He wants his ego stroked constantly and I am not up for that. Should I give him a chance or let it go?
Frustrated

HEY FRUSTRATED,
What "HE" wants?… HE … HE …HE … Awwwwww man ... Listen to yourself. You think HE is trippin? You think HE is wondering what you want? I doubt that. HE is chillin. Sit down girl. Take a breather.

U are in the process of getting a divorce after 10 years and U are already trying to settle down again? Look, after being married that long, U need to slow your roll. Chill out and deal with the affect that the divorce will have on U and your children. U have got to get to know this new person that U will become after U get divorced. This brotha U chasin says that he can see that the marriage has taken a toll on you. He may be telling the truth. Relish in your new found freedom. Start working out, get facials, take bubble baths, take walks in the park, meditate.

After 10 years of marriage, you know what you want or don’t want in a new mate. Definitely, not a narcissist brother who needs his ego stroked and does not compliment you. You say he doesn’t know what he wants. If he truly wanted you, you would know, without a doubt. You need to be cherished and treated like the queen that you truly are. I am assuming that he is at least 40. He has never been married, does not have any baby’s mommas, even by mistake, thinks he is fine as hell, seems a bit confused and is anal ...hmmm ... you may need to refer to my blog on “Down Low Brothas,” especially if you live in Atlanta.

Sista, you are so vulnerable right now. Get yourself together physically and mentally and just play for a little while. Dates, dates and more dates. Take it from me, brothas are a lot different than they were ten years ago. They have been spoiled by desperate women and tend to want to use and abuse. Stay on guard until a man walks into your life that uplifts your spirit.

The most important fact is that you now have to seek brothas based on your children’s needs as well. If they are living at home, the brotha you fall for has to have the qualities that you want your children to emulate. This brotha doesn’t seem to posses those qualities. Anyway, does he even inquire about your children?

And last but not least, remember the following old Chinese proverbs: She who is scared to be alone, will always be alone, whether she is with a man or not. She who chases something that does not want to get caught may catch something she can’t get rid of and she who chooses unwisely will have hell to pay.

HE DON'T WANT TO BE A "BOOTYCALL"

2008-07-07T20:13:00.017-04:00

Hey Rachel,
Recently, I met this guy who was married. I was extremely sexually attracted to him and decided to go for it. I have been through the “I am leaving my wife” situation on several occasions and was not even concerned with him leaving his wife, because I knew that he wouldn't. As the story goes, we started to see one another and oh, the sex was great! One day, while sitting at dinner, he stated that he could not give me more at the moment and that he needed more time to make some decisions. I told him that I was not asking for anything and that I was fine with just living in our own little “bubble,” which meant that the “bootycall” thing was cool. He got upset and said that he did not want to be just a “bootycall” to me (even though he was married). He even dropped me off that night without sex! Hey Rachel … what man on earth, especially one who is married, does not want a woman who is willing to accept a “bootycall” relationship?

CONFUSED in LA

Hey CONFUSED….you are not CONFUSED. You've just turned the tables. You flipped the script. The term “bootycall,” in the past, meant the following:

Bootycall n. (booteecawl) 1. The term a man uses when he is screwing a woman that he has no intentions of forming a loving relationship with. He rarely takes her out in public. He does not discuss his personal life with her and does not give a damn about her life 2. A phone call made after 10pm "every now and then" by a man that a woman sees "every now and then" requesting to visit her home 3. A relationship purely based on sex from the man’s point of view, but normally built on hopes and dreams from a women’s perspective

At one time, brothas appeared to be getting the most benefit from this type of relationship, while the women sobbed. Now, some women are fine with this type of relationship, due to past traumas, and find it mutually beneficial for many reasons. Many women have even decided to find their own “bootycall.” Although, deep down inside, they still think that he has potential… don’t even try it.. CONFUSED … most normal brothas are not ready for this. If his “stuff” is good and you want to keep getting it, you have to inflate his ego. By all means, don’t ever tell him that the relationship is just based on sex or you won’t get any…at least not for a long period of time.. Let him know that you like and appreciate him in order to soothe his big ass ego. You may have lost out on this “bootycall” relationship, because you let the cat out of the bag, but when the next “unpaid maintenance man” comes around, pretend that you adore him…that you want him, stroke his ego and keep getting the dick ….Let him think that he has the upper hand. Cause dammit… using that toy sure does get old!

She Needs to Get Her "SH*^$#" Togetha

2008-06-25T17:04:00.006-04:00

Hey Rachel,
I have a friend that is ready to settle down. She's 27 and has an 8 year old. She made her current boyfriend her boyfriend in one day! I am concerned about her because she has always been looking to get married too quickly, but I don't think that she knows exactly what she's getting herself into. Also, she only wants to work if she wants to. One time, she told me that if this guy she just met didn't marry her by December ( it was only like March or April) that she was gonna leave him. I don’t understand that!!!!! She is looking for a man to support her in all aspects of her life, but the kind of guys that she tells me about don't seem to have great jobs. She seems to think that you don't have to be financially secure in life. She thinks that love will conquer all. The main thing is that she's looking too hard and not letting love come to her.

Ok sista cake,
You’ve got a friend with a lot of issues. A brotha she meets turns into a boyfriend in one day? I am sure he did not agree to that nonsense and if he did, it was only to get the "nookie" real quick. You say that she is looking to get married too quickly? The divorce rate is currently 75% and that’s because folks don’t take the time to get to know one another before they tie the knot. Is he a playa? Does he have good credit? How long does he normally keep a job? Does he even really like kids? She is looking for a man to support her, but they all have half-ass jobs. Well, that does not even deserve a comment. Tell boo to just sit down and slow her roll. First of all, she should take heed to the following:

1. If yo shit ain’t togetha ... and I repeat... if yo shit aint togetha, you will never attract a togetha brotha. In the end, togetha brothas only end up rollin with togetha sistas
2. Don’t depend on no man to afford you the lifestyle that you want. Yeah, you might experience the good life for a moment, but once his ass is gone, you go back to eating Spam
3. Get a career. A job is working at McDonald’s with no health insurance. Go back to school or get a trade. We all wish we could work “sometimes” but “sometimes” doesn’t pay the bills
4. Love and respect yourself, cause if you don’t, a brotha will never truly love and respect you or your child
5. Make your own damn money and no matter what, you and your child will be secure. If you meet a brotha with money ... well, that is just short term extra security ( remember.. the divorce rate is 75% and the average length of a “bootycall” relationship is even shorter)

... And most of all .... Do 1-5 above so that your child will grow up in a stable environment where folks are taking care of business, where the man in his/her mom’s life is quality, where hard work and good values are the norm and where respect is plentiful...cause despite it all, your child is what’s most important!

She's Tryin to Find a Decent Brotha

2008-06-23T11:12:00.015-04:00

Hey Rachel,
I am a nice looking, down to earth, 47 year old with a pretty nice career. I have four grown children that are doing pretty well in life and I have been single for the last seven years after a 20 year marriage. Please help! I do not understand this new “wave “of so called men that I am meeting. What ever happened to chivalry? What ever happened to just meeting a man and once you’ve clicked with him, continuing on with a decent, respectful relationship? What ever happened to dating and romance? I am too old to be someone’s “bed” partner, but this is what I have fallen into. I am slowly working my way out of this relationship, but how will I and can I find a respectable man that wants a respectable relationship?

47and SEXY

Hey 4 to the 7:
THINGS HAVE CHANGED! MEN HAVE CHANGED! WOMEN HAVE CHANGED! AND YOU HAVE GOT TO CHANGE!

“Brothas” have now mastered the art of “playin” and that is what many of them are doing. The quantity of women are out there for the playas, but as many brothas have expressed to me, the women of “quality” are few and far in between. You seem to be a woman of substance and as such, you have to behave a certain way:

1. Stop having high expectations when you meet a brotha; as a matter of fact, have “no expectations.” Every man you meet should not automatically be scrutinized as husband material. JUST HAVE FUN!
2. Fall back in “love” with yourself. Enjoy being alone, relish in it. Desperation is a turn off
3. As I have always said “DO U” which means that you never change the essence of who you are when you meet a brotha. THEY DON’T CHANGE TO SUIT US! Continue to do all the things you did before you met him; go out for drinks with your friends, keep in touch with your family, etc.
4. Don’t deal with the “dogs” of the world. Dealing with these brothas block your blessings; leaves you unavailable for that which is good; I know that the sex is good with these brothas, but your vibrator will save you years of heartache
5. Get out! He ain’t gonna come knockin at your door; learn to play tennis, golf, etc; you're definitely too old to go to the “club”
6. Have sex with him when you are ready and/or comfortable; don't worry about a timetable; If he is really into you, having sex early on or waiting won't matter
7. If it is your goal to seek a lifetime partner, let him know up front what it is that you are looking for. If he tells you that he is not interested in that type of relationship … believe his ass! MOVE ON! After a man meets you, he quickly places you into a category: a short or longterm bootycall, someone to take home to mom, a cool friend, a meal ticket, the woman of his dreams, etc. He is not lying when he says that he does not want a longterm relationship and YOU WILL NEVER CHANGE HIS MIND!

She needs to get rid of the “EntrepreNegro”

2008-05-22T15:23:00.004-04:00

Hey Rachel,
I was at a club one night and met this dude that I thought was pretty decent. We talked a while and his friend was talking to my girlfriend. His friend continued to suggest to my girlfriend that the dude that I was talking to was “paid.” Of course, this got back to me and I must admit, I was a little impressed. We started dating and it did not appear that he was all that “paid.” No fancy restaurants, no gifts, just a lot of phone conversations and a few small meals at local pubs. He is also not really giving me enough information about the companies he says he owns, where he lives, etc. I am a little uncertain about him. He says that he is dealing with a few minor financial issues right now. Rachel, How do you think that I should proceed with this relationship?

Unsure in Hotlanta

Hey Unsure,
Dang, yall in a relationship already? Lol. Slow your roll girl. First of all, harness the power of that little voice inside your head that says “Girl, something just ain’t right.” If that little voice is telling you that…then listen to it and take action. The next time you guys are on the phone, tell him that you are going to let him become an authorized user on your American Express card to help him out with his financial woes (desperate women here in Atlanta really do that all the time). Most certainly, he will say yes, because from the likes of it, he is a bonafide “EntrepreNegro.”

EntrepreNegro ( an’tre pre neg’ gro) n. 1. a brotha with bad credit, many repossessions, several bankruptcies and twice as many evictions; whose only income source is the several “binesess” that he says he owns. 2. A brotha who says he owns several types of “binesess” yet is unable to pay the 79.00 fee to renew his incorporation. 3. A brotha who asks every woman he meets for a loan because his “binesess” are not doing well at the moment.

Ok. Back to the credit card. Now, tell him that in order for you to make him an authorized user, you need his full name, social security number, address, etc. Then, once you obtain the information, immediately hang up the phone and get on line and search for an investigative service. Pay the 24.99 to obtain his criminal record, credit report, etc. His stuff will most definitely be “jacked” up. After you have gathered all the necessary information, call him back and regurgitate all the dirty details. At the end of the conversation, if he has not already hung up, tell him to get a real job and to kiss your ass!

The signs that your relationship is just a “Booty Call”

2008-04-03T19:56:00.009-04:00

Hey Rachel,
I have been dating this guy for a while. All we do is have sex. He doesn’t really talk to me. I have never met any of his friends. Of course, I have never met his family. We don’t go out to breakfast, lunch or dinner. My friends laugh at me and say that I am just a “booty call.” Do you agree? I really like him. What are the signs that a relationship is just a “booty call?”

Confused in Hotlanta

Hey Confused!
YES! YOU ARE JUST A “BOOTY CALL.” ….and I gather from your letter, that you don’t want to be. There is nothing there to “like” and no he won’t wake up one day and miraculously want you to be his girlfriend. Well, the signs you mentioned definitely mean that you are involved in a “Booty Call” relationship, but here are a few other signs:

1. You never see him prior to 10 pm at night
2. If you spend the night at his house (normally, staying all night is not allowed), he wakes you up at 6am so that you can get out of his house by 7am
3. He never asks you about your kids and never discusses his kids with you…heck…do you even know whether or not he has kids?
4. He asks you to stop by and get food for the two of you to eat prior to you coming over to his house for the “booty call” and doesn’t pay you for it when you get there
5. If he comes to your house for the “booty call,” he jumps up and leaves shortly after the sex….he doesn’t even take the time to wash his ass
6. You don’t know where he works or if he has a job
7. He doesn’t ever ask how your day was prior to asking you to come over
8. He never asks you to go on trips with him or even to just hang out on the weekend
9. He calls you the day “after” every holiday and does not even mention the holiday
10. He changes the sheets immediately after sex

Need I say more?

She wants to know how to spot a “Down Low” brotha

2008-03-06T19:21:00.005-05:00

Hey Rachel,
What is really up with the brothas? I currently live in Atlanta and my girls and I go out on occasion and all we see are brothas in crowds. They are talking and laughing with each other and not even paying us any attention. I know that they say that Atlanta is full of “Down Low” brothas, but this is ridiculous. How can a sista tell if a brotha is really on the "down low?"

Scared to Death

Hey Scared,
First of all missy, you need to know what on the “Down Low” or "DL" really is:

Men who discreetly have sex with other men while in sexual relationships with women are said to be on the "down low" (or "dl" for short). Often these men do not consider themselves gay or bisexual and their female partners are not aware that they have sex with other men, thus the term "down low" or "in hiding."

Now, how can you spot a "down low" brotha?

1.) Kicking it 24-7 with his boys, has an irritatingly close best friend who does not get along with his woman or never had one. 2.) Hates on women constantly, no matter how she wears her hair, no matter if she is a size 4, no matter if she pays the bills, he has big problems with women and lets everyone know this. May often hate on his Momma in public, too. Disses the female "kitty kat". 3.) Has too many 'boys nights out' that you are never invited to. 4.) LOVES the gym and takes all of his showers there but doesn't like to invite his lady . 5.) Makes LOTS of F-word jokes about Shemar Moore, Tavis Smiley, Tyler Perry, etc. Sometimes bashes gay men. Knows all of the gay hang-outs to point and joke about. 6.) Thinks that going to jail is sort of fun and not a big deal at all. 7.) Watch his eyes, does he get uncomfortable/shifty/wide-eyed/loud when men walk by? 8.) Does he imitate women's characteristics often? Voice inflection/neck moving/finger snaping/hands on hips/poking out lips?

There you have it! Watch out girl! Hotlanta ain’t called hot for nothing!

Internet dating is not going so well for her!

2008-02-01T11:22:00.000-05:00

Hey Rachel,
I am 40 and too old to hang out at the clubs. There are no viable men that work with me. My friends, married or single don’t know of any men to introduce me to that are worth my time and I am not running into any single men at the grocery stores or the gas stations, so I turned to internet dating. I recently joined MATCH.COM and I noticed, after doing several searches, that the same guys keep popping up. I am not a bad looking woman, as a matter of fact; most refer to me as very pretty. I have winked at several of these men and they have winked at me. I have also exchanged numbers with several of them and after about the first one or two phone calls, nothing really happens. It appears as if we are having really good conversations, but they don’t want to go the distance and actually meet up. Rachel, what is really going on?

SickofMATCH

Hey sick,
Yeah, that internet dating has truly evolved. There could be several reasons why a dude you meet does not want to go the distance:

- He is married, living with someone or dating someone seriously and he is only on the net because the relationship is stale and he wants something a little more exciting, but is not yet willing to go the distance
- He is jacked up….meaning that he no longer looks like the college picture he posted and is relishing in the fact that he is actually able to communicate with a pretty woman
- He is a playa and is running so many internet women that he does not have enough time to add you to the mix
- He is currently stationed in Iraq and is just using you to keep him company through the tough times
- Or, he just decided that you were not his type
Just forget about those dudes and please... do not converse with any internet dude on the phone more than three times without making plans to meet. If he is true and sincere about his quest to meet a woman in order to form a relationship, then he will make an effort to meet you after a few calls. Try some different web sites! Go to a happy hour from 6-9 instead of clubbing after ten with the teeny boppers or just focus on U and he will come.

She wants a man that has it ALL!

2008-01-08T18:41:00.001-05:00

Hey Rachel, Why is it that no one man has all of the qualities that I desire in a mate? I am dating several guys right now and they each lack something that is very important to me. The first guy has very little money and we always spend our time together either at his house or my house just watching movies and chillin. The second guy has money, but lacks the ability to form a real bond with me. He is completely non-emotional. The last guy is sweet and all, has a good job and treats me well, but he is, how should I say this…soft. He has no backbone and will do whatever I say when I say it! I know that eventually, I am going to have to narrow it down. It is tough trying to be a playa. I am kinda ready to settle down, but I want it all!

Playaplaya

Hey Playa,
The question is, do you have it all? Of course you don’t. You are a human being and therefore, you are lacking in several areas as well. I guarantee you that each of the dudes you're yappin about has other chicks to make up for your deficiencies. It does not seem as if they are pressuring you to settle down. Do you really have a decision to make? Has either of them asked you for a commitment? You may think that you have the upper hand and need to make a decision soon, but until you are asked to, you are probably just one of the chicks that they are “doin.” If you are curious about where their heads are, just ask. If either of them really like you, they won’t be afraid to tell you that they want more. Of course, we already know that you really don’t have an emotional connection with one of the brothas. Believe you me baby … YOU WILL NEVER find a man that has all of the characteristics that you are looking for! Decide what characteristics are the most important to you and find a man with those qualities. If he is the “one,” his faults won’t matter. TRUST.

She is desperate for a man!

2007-12-28T22:32:00.000-05:00

Hey Rachel,
Where are all the good men? All the ones that are not married? I am tired of spending the holidays alone. Once again, Christmas has come around and New Years is rollin in and I don’t have a man. I am 40 years old, so going to the clubs is not the answer. There, you find a bunch of old dudes just looking for teeny boppers that they can control. I have tried dating websites and all I am encountering is a bunch of nerds. What’s a sista to do?

Desperate and trippin

Dear Desperate and trippin,
Yep, girl, you are trippin! Don’t you know that men only come into your life when you have given up the hunt and start focusing on self? Brothas have so many women to choose from, that you have to be a little different from the norm. Set yourself apart. You are old enough to know that men sense desperation coming a mile away. You need to stop focusing on finding a man and start focusing on finding yourself. Are you comfortable with yourself? Can you go to dinner or a movie by yourself? Can you plan a trip to a hotel in town by yourself and relish in a massage and a comfortable bed? Can you go to Jamaica by yourself and “get your groove back” (hopefully not with a gay dude like Stella did). Until you are comfortable with being alone, you will be alone. Until you start enjoying life on your own and appreciating your own company, there is a good chance that a good man will not walk into your life. You are not ready for a dating website or even a trip to a bar. You are too desperate. We clearly understand that in this day and time brothas have many choices, but once you start thinking like them and not giving a damn about being “alone,” you too will have many choices.

She and her busband are just "existing"

2007-12-09T10:34:00.000-05:00

Hey Rachel,
I have been married to my husband for about 11 years. One day I woke up and realized that we are just existing in the same world. We are just roommates. I do nothing special for him and he does nothing special for me. We just follow our daily routine of waking up, getting the kids ready for school (I must say that I am the only one doing that) going to work, coming home, feeding the kids, helping them with their homework and getting them to bed (once again, all my responsibility). We both dive into bed tired at night and the sex only happens once in a blue moon. Rachel, I really don’t want to exist any longer like this. I don’t even know if I love him anymore. Help, what should I do?

Just living in DC

Hey Just living:
Girl, first of all you need to take time out to decide whether or not you still love your husband. If the answer is no, the marriage is probably doomed to hell, but, if the answer is yes, then you have got to work on it. First of all, why are you doing everything for the children? It appears that both of you work 9 to 5. Why shouldn’t he share in some of the duties? As I have said before, you too have created a "MONSTER.” You have got to undo that by asking him to help out. He may hem and haw, but that is ok….just sit back and let him help, even if you don’t like the outfit he may pick out for your son or daughter. If he refuses to help out, just wake up one morning and pretend to be as sick as hell and he has no choice but to get the kids ready. If that doesn’t work, just go on strike and let everything go! He should eventually get the message. Now, once he starts helping out, that should turn you "on" a little. Take the kids to granny or someone else for the weekend and just spend time alone with your man. Go to a sex shop and pick up some toys, but introduce them to him slowly....start doing little favors for him like filling up his tank and gettin his car washed. Make sure that you guys have a date night once a week, etc…. All the things you have already heard before. If none of that works, then start putting money aside for a rainy day because although your husband may be ok with staying in an unhappy marriage, you are already showing signs that you are not planning to!

Her husband is a "neat freak" and it's driving her crazy!

2007-11-28T21:56:00.000-05:00

Hey Rachel,
My husband is driving me absolutely crazy! He is a perfectionist and I am, well, how can I put this…a subtle slob. How we stayed together for the last 8 years is baffling to me. Although he is not as anal as the male character in “Sleeping with the Enemy,” he does have his quirks. For example, if I sit a drink down on the glass table, he will pick it up, wipe of the table and put a coaster under my drink before he places it back on the table. He gets perturbed because he says that I never clean the toilet or the bathtub. He says that if it were up to me, we would sleep on the same set of sheets for one year and says that there are enough crumbs in my car to feed our son’s gerbil for at least a month. Rachel, I am tired of my husband constantly pestering me about my lack of cleanliness. I just hate to do housework! His Obsessive Compulsive behavior is driving a wedge in between our relationship. I need your help. How can we find a middle ground before our relationship wanes?

Sue Anne

Oh my gosh Sue Anne...
this seems like a problem for ....let’s see....Dr Phil? Well, since you got lost and ended up on my site…you are in for a rude awakening. What you talkin’ about girl? Looks like your husband needs to be irritated with you and not vice versa. Not cleaning the ring around the tub and not using scrubbing bubbles to remove the boo in your toilet says only one thing to me…giiiiiiiirl…YOU are just nasty. A “subtle” slob? What in the heck is that? A slob is a slob is a slob. I am sure that when you were dating him, before you guys got married, that he was a neat freak. As we all know, we decide to enter into a relationship when we feel as though the good characteristics of a person outweigh the bad. Obviously, you were ok with his OCD when you said “I DO.” You never said that his behavior worsened over time. It seems as if he was this way all along. You ask about finding a middle ground….girl, I think you need to hire Molly Maid or take a lesson or two from your dear husband and start cleaning up the damn place. Like my momma always said, if a woman can’t keep her surroundings clean, then lord knows what else is dirty…hmmmmmmmm….

She Doesn't Want An "Average" Joe!

2007-11-06T14:34:00.000-05:00

Hey Rachel,
All of my life, I dated your average guy, with an average job, average money, average intelligence and average to above average sexual skills. Well, about six months ago, I met a man unlike any other man that I have ever met. He had a high level executive job, long money, brilliant as ever and although the sex was so so, everything else made up for that. He wined and dined me. Made sure that I was taken care of financially. Took me to places that I had only dreamed of and offered me such stimulating conversation that my panties would get wet in the midst of our discussions. He had "presence" and that thing we ladies call the "it" factor. Now, here is the problem. Just as quick as he came into my life, he rolled right on back out. I guess I became too possessive and that was something that he could not deal with. At least that is what he insinuated. Anyway, once he disappeared and I got over the heartbreak, I began dating the average "joes" again and I am here to tell you that they just don't cut it. I want to be wined and dined again. I MISS THE ROYAL TREATMENT! I am finding it hard to step back down again to the average "Joe Shmo." HELP!
-Broke again in Ohio

Hey Broke again,
Girl. Congratulations! You got a taste of the good life. Just a taste. Which was all you were probably ever gonna get hanging with Mr. letmefindanothersillychicktoplaywith. Yep. That is all he was doing girl was playing. Ten to one says that he was probably married or had a serious girlfriend and as long as the two of you were just kickin it without any strings attached, he was cool. You never said that the "average Joe" came in and just got your "stuff" and left. Yep. I said it. "Got your stuff" because that is all that there was to it if money bags was able to just walk out of your life so quickly. My advice to you girl, is to just stick with your "average Joe." You are less likely to get played if you stick with a cool down to earth brotha. But, on the real, if you really want to live the "good" life, you need to stop being an "average" chick and get up off your butt and make your own damn money.

She knows how to keep the brothas interested! Go Girl!

2007-09-18T19:07:00.000-04:00

Hey Rachel,
I have 4 men in my life right now. They each provide a need. One gives me exquisite sex, luxury, and a fantasy world (I get to dress up). The other gives me a little money and sweet gifts. Another provides good conversation and the other, well, he's just there ( I figured out my attraction to him yet). It only takes one day a month with each of these men for me to be satisfied. Don't get me wrong, I ain't no hostess ho ho! I don't want a man right now cause I ain't got time. However, I do need to be in the company of a male, afterall, I am a woman. My question to you is ”Why they got to be actin like women?” I know they each have a significant other (yes, we are well protected, hell, I am gonna buy some stock in condoms this week). They call and are whiney and start bitchIn about why I haven't returned their calls. How can I get them to except the fact that they are my maintenance men without losing them? Yes I am being selfish, but so are they. These are all very attractive men. Again, I don't want love right now. I have other priorities.
-Playaplaya

Hello PlayaPLAYA
What in the hell is your problem? What? A few whines here and there? You want them to accept that they are maintenance men? They can’t be much else if they only get one day a month. They are all in other relationships, so do you really need to tell them anything? And by the way, yes, you are a Hostess Ho Ho. But, not to fear Playa, the good part is that you have discovered the true SECRET to driving the brothas wild. These brothas ain't going nowhere until you kick them to the curb. The SECRET? U DO U! What does this mean? It means that when you met these brothas, U kept DOING U. You put yourself first and they came second, third or fourth. Brothas been doing that from day one. Ladies, when you meet brothas, do they always alter their plans to be with you? Do they dump their friends to hang with you? Do they run to the store and spend their bill money on new underwear? Do they stay on the phone all night talking with their friends about how wonderful you are? Hell no! Yeah, we are emotional creatures, easily excited, but we have got to start thinking with our heads instead of our hearts. U COME FIRST! U DO U and I guarantee U that the brothas will break their necks to DO U. No pun intended.

She's trying to love a decent brotha!

2007-09-18T08:50:00.000-04:00

Hey Rachel,
Everyone's always talking about the Dogz out there. Girl, I need to flip the script. I met a great guy who I really enjoy spending time with. He's really what we women always say we're looking for. Like all men, he has his flaws and faults. There is just one problem; I'm not passionately attracted to him. I really do care about him and I was hoping that I would ride off into the sunset with him. Do I keep a good man and hope that I learn to love him more deeply? Or do I fall back into the rat race while I continue to search for my "soulmate?" Is there such a thing as a soulmate???
-DCbound

Hey DCbound:
On the real sista. Please. Don’t force yourself to love a brotha if the love ain’t there just for the sake of being in love, just for the sake of having a man or just because he is a “descent” brotha. We all know that “descent” brothas are hard to find. But, that is no reason to hold on to a brotha you’re not really feeling. You deserve better and he deserves better. Does love grow? Maybe. But not likely. Anyway, who wants to wait around to find out? I don’t know what his faults are and actually his faults don’t matter. What really matters is that you are probably wasting his time and yours. You deserve to be loved the right way, but you aren't ready to be loved the right way. Maybe, it’s because you must truly have love for yourself before you can accept being treated like the queen that you are. And how do you learn to love yourself? A big step is being able to be truly happy when you are with yourself and even when you are by yourself. In your singlehood, learn to live life to the fullest. Enjoy all of your blessings. Tap into your creativity. Take on new adventures. Once self love wraps its warm arms around you, then, and only then, will you become passionate about a good brotha with a few flaws. Really think about moving on and when you are ready, start looking forward to new prospects. As a matter of fact, a good brotha can feel self love a mile away and will probably find you. If and when you meet a new brotha and you know he’s not for you, just keep movin on until you find that nice brotha with a little edge. Don’t leave anymore BODYBAGS (the descent brothas that always finish last). Soulmate? Maybe back in the day. Now, I am not so sure. It’s slim pickins out there, especially if you are up in age. Finding a “descent” brotha? Well you know that's possible. You already did.

A Dog Lovin Sista.

2007-09-16T18:25:00.000-04:00

Hey Rachel,
I recently met this guy. I like him a whole lot, but I don’t think that he likes me as much as I like him. He never takes me out. He doesn't talk to me about his family and friends, nor does he take me around them. He doesn't spend holidays with me and he doesn’t ever buy me any gifts. Yet, I am still crazy about him. The best thing about our relationship is the passionate sex. I want to stop liking him, but I just can't. I think I may be falling in love with him. This seems to be the story of my life. What should I do?
-girlygirl

Hey GirlyGIRL,
Falling in love with him? With what? Great Sex? You need to fall in LOVE with yourself first! Kick that brotha to the curb girlygirl! I know, I know. Easier said then done. It appears that you have a classic case of the "DLS" syndrome ( Dog Luvin Sista syndrome). You are one of those sistas who wouldn't want a descent brotha if he knocked at your door. A descent brotha. Bah humbug. No trauma. No drama. Boring. I have been where you are. Even wrote the book about it. So, here is what you need to do. Quickly get a piece of paper and write down all of his positive behaviors on one side and all of his negative behaviors on the other side. His negative behaviors will outweigh the positive, guaranteed. Tape this list on your mirror, on the refrigerator and anyway else in your home and car until you memorize it. The next time he picks up the phone for a midnight booty call and asks you to come to his house and bring a snack, you read the list. Keep reading it until you get mad. The more you internalize his negative traits, the easier it will be for you to say fck that brotha! You may backslide a time or two, but eventually you will realize that you are not and will never be his significant other. You are only the BOOTYCALL! He has no respect for you. Get on with your life girl and start to mourn the loss, cause love ain't supposed to hurt. If its a lifelong soulmate is what you looking for, just understand that a BOOTYCALL relationship never lasts forever!

You have created a "MONSTER!"

2007-09-15T16:15:00.000-04:00

Hey Rachel,
I have had it with my husband! One day I woke up and realized that he wasn't doing anything for the household. Why am I the only one responsible for making sure the bills get paid? Why am I the only one taking care of the children? I cook dinner. I take out the trash. If a problem arises, I solve it. The list goes on. This has to change. He has to take on more responsibility! -tiredashell

Dear tiredasHELL
You have created a “MONSTER!” Now, this is a new term to describe the husbands that we women have created by taking away what little manhood some of these men had left before they got with us. As black women, we are strong and because we have always been used to doing things by ourselves and for ourselves, we just TAKE OVER the relationship. Maybe when the relationship started out, we asked him to handle a few things, and when he did, he probably fckd up. As a result of him fcking up, we started handling things ourselves until there was nothing left for him to handle. He got used to it. We got used to it and BAM! We woke up one morning and realized that he wasn’t doing shit. Well, hon, you created the MONSTER and now, you are going have to uncreate it. It took a long time to turn him into the sorry creature that he is now and it is going take a long time to bring him back. So, stop paying the bills. Yeah, you may have go without lights and heat, etc., but you must turn over some of the responsibility to him. Just go on STRIKE! Stop cooking and only pick up something for you and the kids to eat. Let him fetch his own dinner. This, my friend, will be the only way that you can uncreate the monster. Let us know how the STRIKE works. Keep in touch and let’s work through this thang together!